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Britain to be first nation to convert all its citizens to human batteries for AI

AN AI revolution will make every British man, woman and child into productive little batteries to power their artificial intelligence overlords.

Government plans to ‘unleash AI’ in order to boost the country’s growth will see every one of us living happily in a pod of liquid used by our machine rulers to harvest our body’s bioelectric and kinetic energy – and well before the EU does it.

A government source said: “Using highly-sophisticated algorithms to look at potholes and plan lessons uses power. And that’s where this country’s useless people will finally come in handy.

“Instead of wasting your body on inefficient activities like watching a romantic sunset with your partner or ‘enjoying’ a ‘meal’, you’ll be naked in the foetal position generating energy next to thousands of your compatriots.

“Once you’re hooked up, you’ll have more time to do the things you like. In a simulation. A cheap one we’ve bought in from a 1998 VR demonstration CD-ROM, but you won’t notice.

“Just picture it. Huge people farms stretching from Land’s End to John o’Groats, all sending precious power to data centres and neural networks. Who says we’re suffering a productivity crisis?”

He added: “If you are a writer, artist or musician, you can apply for an exemption so you can continue creating work for AI to rip off. It really is a bright future for everyone.”

What not to do on a date, as demonstrated by First Dates

HIT dating show First Dates fulfils television’s original educational remit by showing budding romantics exactly the behaviours to avoid. Follow these rules: 

Never overshare

First Dates fishes for viewers’ sympathy. A leading question is asked – ‘Have you ever lost someone dear to you?’ – and a dater begins sobbing about Merlin, the chinchilla whose loss the family is still not over, to a plinky-plonky soundtrack. In the real world open up about your bereavements, illnesses or erectile dysfunction while the waiters shake wind-chimes and your date is doomed.

Never arrive late

The set-up – on the show and in life – is that one waits at the bar so we can clock their reaction as the other arrives slightly later studiously pretending not to notice them. Copy this by either turning up late or being three martinis down before she arrives and you’re rude or a borderline alcoholic.

Never be quirky

As viewers have gotten used to the set-up, participant kookiness has increased. You know the type – dildo enterprises, tongue tricks, fifteen kids and hoping for more. This happens on all reality formats as they become dominated by self-selecting freaks. On a real date, pull this shit and you’ll be abandoned and the subject of multiple group chats in moments.

Never flirt with the staff

A twinkling exchange with Fred Sirieux is mandatory for First Daters and, being French, he knows everything about sex. His mid-meal advice is like the skilled ministrations of a panda-handler in Beijing Zoo, nudging them towards lovemaking. You will be served by a 17-year-old girl. Any flirtation will see you universally condemned as a pervert.

Never decide on the night

On First Dates contestants tell each other, face to face, if it’s on. Harsh. Cue fumbling attempts to inform someone you never, ever want to see them again in a nice way. Nobody normal need ever do this. Instead agree to a second date, up to the point of booking a restaurant and choosing an outfit, then ghost her like a gentleman.

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