THE Calvine UFO picture taken in Scotland is in the media again, and it remains a grey diamond that could be a rock. These are the other issues with all UFO sightings:
It’s a light
UFO buffs get insanely excited about lights that could easily be planes, helicopters, or more recent aerial clutter like drones or LED kites. If you set the bar for excitement this low in the rest of your life, you’d have an adrenalin rush every time you went for a piss. ‘Pale yellow again!’ you’d report breathlessly to friends, family and colleagues.
It’s a grey blob
More mysterious if they’re clearly not a plane and perform unusual manoeuvres. People never wobble cameras or mistake a nearby object for a distant one, and insects always agree a level flight path with the Insect Aviation Authority before taking off, so they’re ruled out.
Minimal investigation raises multiple questions
Logger Travis Walton was unerotically asphyxiated and had a massive needle stuck in his eyeball by aliens, as seen in movie Fire in the Sky. A moment’s research reveals he did odd stuff like telling his mum not to worry if he was ever abducted by aliens. It’s unclear how believers ignore that, unless life lacks piquancy without the constant threat of anal violation.
Undeniable hoaxes
1950s hoaxer George Adamski used with saucers made from bits of desk lamps and cake tins, but these days you can get away with shite Photoshopping. The fakes are often so obvious you actually start to wonder if the public is endlessly credulous and terminally cretinous. Trump, Brexit, Mrs Brown’s Boys? Yes.
Convenient interventions by government spooks
The Men in Black stop the truth about UFOs getting out. It’s a shame prime ministers are unaware of this super-secret department of loyal, emotionless killers. Compared to Roswell, covering up Starmer’s free designer glasses would be a piece of piss.
Non-existent corroborating pictures
In any well-populated area, an unusual object in the sky should result in multiple images from different angles. These never exist, in another eternal UFO mystery like why aliens don’t have enough data on cows’ rectums yet.
It’s bokeh
Most triangular UFOs are the bokeh effect – an out-of-focus light source seen through a camera aperture. Not everyone’s a photography expert but they should remember common recurring phenomena. ‘It’s another magic painting!’ ‘That’s the TV again, dear.’
Jumping to mental conclusions
Read up on UFOs and you’ll quickly find yourself deep in the secret war between the Greys and the Reptilians. Watchers actually believe this, despite the imaginative leap from grey blobs to full-blown interstellar conflict with defined sides. It’s a lot of conjecture from a few lights in the sky. Earth is on the side of the Greys, by the way. Go Greys.
