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Proper trad wife having affair with stable boy

A WOMAN has taken her commitment to live by traditional wifely values all the way by having an affair with a sexy stable boy.

Unlike social media posers preoccupied by raising families and rearing livestock, trad wife Helen Archer has taken it to the next level by being so unsatisfied in her marriage she is secretly having mind-blowing sex with a hostler three times a week.

She said: “Initially the idea of regressing into an obedient little baby factory didn’t appeal to me. But then I realised the adulterous possibilities it opened up.

“Like wives of yore I grind my teeth during my domestic servitude before waiting until my husband’s asleep and getting it on with a rugged man in a billowing shirt. Clandestine banging is a long-established gender role, you can’t touch me for it.

“You’d think the smell of manure and the coarseness of the hay would be a mood kill, but it only adds to the Jilly Cooper novel feel. It’s f**kloads better than wellness.

“So it’s still long floral dresses, baking bread and being attentive to my husband’s every need, but it’s also dresses hiked up, illicit passion and not being entirely sure the baby’s his.

“These are traditional country values. If he wanted me too knackered to be anything but faithful, he should have let me work 14-hour days in a high-powered City job.”

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This week in Mash History: Greeks decide sport is more fun in the nip, 720BC

The Olympic Games stem from the human desire to both watch sporting excellence and declare that you could surpass it, if not for a trick knee. 

But did you know that the ancient Greeks themselves recognised that running, swimming and throwing a heavy ball were not in themselves enough to excite an audience, which is why their athletes competed with their bits out?

History claims the first Games began in Olympia in the year 776 BC, when a man called Koroibos won the stadion foot race. But contemporary accounts describe runners as ‘dull’ and ‘obsessed with running’ which makes the later popularity of the Games seem unlikely.

Antiquarian anthropology professor Professor Susan Traherne said: “Organisers spent decades attempting to boost the Games, adding chariot racing to bring the punters in. Then the masterstroke in 720BC: have everyone be completely starkers.

“It’s difficult to overstate how exciting this development was for the average man in a toga. Take, for example, the discus. Once you’ve seen one absolute unit throw a round flat rock you’ve seen them all. Now imagine he’s got his lad out. Now you’re interested.

“When the Persians invaded in 480BC, the Greeks delayed assembling an army because soldiers wanted to attend the Olympics. That’s just how entertaining naked hurdling is.

“Though the exact date of its introduction is unknown, the wrestler Amesinas of Barka was the first to heroically suggest the use of oils during matches. He trained by wrestling a bull, so was clearly into freaky shit.

“It is my conclusion as an academic that we must follow our forefathers’ and return to a tradition of total Olympic nudity in every event. I urge Mr Coe to reply to my letters.”

And so today’s Olympics are a travesty of lycra which must be corrected as soon as possible for the benefit of everyone.

Next week: to 1485, when a dying Richard III was reassured his violent death would live on as a mnemonic for the colours of the rainbow.

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