WAKING with a feeling of wellbeing, elation and high self-esteem, I reflect on what led to this happy condition. Oddly, it was my private physician, who suggested that despite my liver having recently been harvested from a plane crash victim of abstemious habits, I might consider addressing my alcoholic intake.
‘What time of the day do you start drinking?’ he asked me. ‘Twelve o’clock,’ I replied. ‘Why not try starting at one? As of tomorrow. And then we can progress from there.’
And so, the very next day, as the clock struck twelve, I forbore from reaching for the vodka bottle. It was a battle, a great battle, but I held out for a full hour. Finally, at 1am, with a ‘Yabba dabba doo!’, I cracked open a bottle of spirits, downing it, as they say, in one. A triumph for the virtue of self-restraint.
Duly swaddled in a feeling of virtue, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Labour fought off an amendment seeking to lift children out of poverty, and suspended Labour MPs who voted for it. One Labour member, Joshua Caulfield, posted a selfie showing dozens of euphoric party members to celebrate the vote.
Yeah, because that’s the fucking main thing, isn’t it? Your fucking faction won! Anyone who wanted a few hundred thousand kids to not skip meals can get fucked! Losers! This is our day! We’ll feed kids when the time is fucking right, in a few months’ time, pending review! You wretched bunch of fucking Dickensian cunts! Take a look at yourselves, partying over fucking malnutrition! That’s if you fucking ghouls even have reflections!
Dressage rider Charlotte Dujardin, touted as an Olympic ‘golden girl’, has been dismissed from the team after footage emerged of her repeatedly whipping her horse. There have been calls for dressage to be banned.
Well, that’d be a fucking shame, wouldn’t it? Ban it? Of course they should fucking ban it, the same as they banned dancing bears and boxing kangaroos at the fucking circus! How the fuck d’you think they get horses to prance around like dicks without whipping the fucking shit out of them? ‘PRANCE, YOU FUCKING HUNK OF NEIGHING SHIT, OR YOU’LL BE SHIPPED OFF IN CANS TO FUCKING BELGIAN SUPERMARKETS! STOMP ONE HOOF FOR YES, TWO HOOVES FOR NO!’
British marathon star Paula Radcliffe has expressed concern that transgender athletes might have an unfair advantage over women, and apologised for wishing ‘good luck’ to a Dutch volleyball player and convicted rapist allowed to play for the national team.
Well, you’ve sent out an important warning about the trans athletes competing at the Olympics, all fucking zero of them. Yes, we should be very, very concerned! Especially after the 2020 Olympics were ruined by a whole one trans athlete, who came fucking last in the weightlifting! You may as well worry about the danger of swimmers putting motorboat engines down the back of their trunks to gain an unfair advantage! With this and wishing all the best to an unrepentant rapist, it’s as embarrassing as when you shat yourself during a race on fucking TV!
Finally, Robert Jenrick has thrown his hat into the ring as future Tory leader. ‘The British people need to be convinced that we are the most responsible and competent party of government for us to have any chance of winning in 2029,’ said Jenrick’s campaign manager.
Hahaha, good fucking luck with that, you greased lump of Tory fuck-fudge! It’ll be about 300 fucking years before the public forget what an absolute superfatted sow’s arse you made of running the country, syphoning everything off to your fucking mates and organising discos against the backdrop of fucking Covid funerals! We can just watch and laugh as you figure out which of you fucking clowns is going to drive the backfiring car round the circus of fucking irrelevancy that is the Tory party in 2024!
