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Man torn between marathon and extra-marital affair

A 45-YEAR-OLD man is unable to decide between training for a marathon or sleeping with a woman in his office. 

After 15 years of marriage, data services manager Martin Bishop is looking for an exciting new challenge and something to do at weekends, preferably conveniently located in the Reading area.

He said: “Every man of a certain age faces the same decision: should I run 26.2 miles, cheered on by friends and family, or should I bang this girl from work in a Premier Inn?

“Lord knows I need something to get me off the couch. Both activities require commitment, intense physical fitness and stamina, but with both there’s a risk I’ll start off enthusiastic and then lose interest, especially if I’m unable to finish.

“I am worried I’ll end up limping about pathetically with torn ligaments or a broken marriage, though either way I’ll be losing a lot of weight. Which will offer me the greater sense of achievement? I can’t ask if she does anal before I choose.

“Honestly I’m leaning towards the marathon. I’ve got kids aged seven and three. Training buys me way more time out of the house.”

Wife Gail said: “I’m worried something’s going on. I’ve found loads of expensive new clothes in the wardrobe. And a sausage outfit.”

Inquiry into North Sea ship collision to focus on how big North Sea is

AN inquiry into the collision of two ships in the North Sea will begin by outlining the sheer size of the North Sea, making avoidance piss-easy. 

After establishing that this is an area covering 220,000 square miles which is largely empty in every direction as far as the distant horizon, the inquiry will also bring up the relevant fact that one of the vessels in question was stationary.

Bill McKay, a maritime safety expert, said: “There is a lot to collide with in the North Sea, if you count the landmasses at the edges.

“Otherwise, finding something solid to smash into at top speed is quite the quest. There’s 184 oil rigs but while that seems a lot they’re quite widely dispersed. You sort of have to know where to find them.

“So for me the inquiry would really zero in on the statistical improbability of managing to locate a ship in a largely empty area to ram into at full speed. And how a trained captain with radar, radio and functioning eyes contrived to do that.

“Mentioning the exorbitantly toxic cargoes of both vessels and the extra care that should be taken when loaded up with sodium cyanide would also be nice. Just as a reminder to others.”

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