Man claiming to be nice guy in dating profile feels no pressure to back that up

A MAN who has explicitly stated that he is a ‘nice guy’ on his dating profile does not feel the need to follow up this claim by being pleasant in real life.

Tom Booker believes that claiming to be an agreeable human who is fun to be around makes him an incredible catch, rather than being a normal way to interact with other people.

Booker said: “My date last night was clearly put at ease by my repeated insistence that I am nice, unlike most guys out there. I understand what it’s like for beautiful women like Kelly, feeling that men overlook their minds to objectify their bodies. But not me.

“I think Kelly also liked the fact that I made an effort to remember and use her name. As a nice guy, I understand the need for women like her to be listened to and valued.

“So I’m surprised and disappointed that at the end of the night, she didn’t want to sleep with me. I’m a bit of an expert on women, so it’s confusing really. I guess it just goes to show that nice guys finish last.”

Kelly Howard said: “Yeah, he’s nice. To women he thinks will sleep with him on the first date. But when that turns out not to be the case he’s just your bog-standard dickhead.”

Rioter sure is grateful actions don't have consequences

A RIGHT-WING rioter is feeling very grateful that filming yourself attacking the police and smashing up shops does not incur consequences.

Thug Wayne Hayes is counting his blessings that setting a bin on fire and throwing it at a migrant hotel does not operate under the normal rules of the universe where actions result in equal and opposite reactions.

He said: “See me on the front of the newspapers, hurling a plank of wood at riot police? Nothing will come of that, thank God.

“That’s because the violence of the weekend exists on a bizarre plane of reality where there are no ramifications. Don’t ask me how it works, I’m not a scientist or remotely knowledgeable about anything at all. Probably something to do with the sun.

“Either way, it’s fortunate for me. If consequences existed then I’d be looking at a lengthy prison sentence, the loss of my job and family, and a life forever ruined by my racist behaviour yesterday afternoon. Pretty scary.

“Anyway, best be off, someone’s loudly hammering my door with a battering ram. The police must be here to congratulate me for defending this great country.”