AS a children’s author with no degree in genetics or endocrinology, I am clearly an expert on the topic of complex sexual identities.
Despite scientific evidence to the contrary, I believe they fall into the easy categories of blokes with balls and ladies without them. Thus, it is my responsibility to make readers aware of how I imagined the genitalia and chromosomes of Harry Potter characters when I was writing them.
I’ve been thinking about this for years, and not just since I jumped on a niche social media bandwagon where I get lots of validation and attention for my increasingly obsessive stance. Here are a few of the top characters and what they have in their pants.
Harry Potter: XY chromosomes, a normal penis
Harry was clearly known as ‘the boy who lived’ and not the girl, so I can confidently assert that Harry possesses a traditional male XY chromosome composition, as well as male sexual organs. Books should be factually clear about the reality of human existence. Look, don’t start on me about my work being full of magic nonsense, I’m a billionaire and I will sue you.
Hermione Granger: XX chromosomes, a normal vagina
Hermione is smart, strong and independent, clearly all traits that make her a great role model for girls. She also definitely has a vagina, like a normal biological woman. No, I haven’t just undermined my claims that she is a feminist trailblazer by reducing her down to her genitalia. Not at all.
Ron Weasley: XXY chromosomes, a small penis
The underdog of the group, Ron possesses an unusual set of chromosomes due to years of Weasley inbreeding. Despite having two X chromosomes and a tiny penis he is, nevertheless, without question, a man. It’s true because someone on Twitter told me it was.
Dumbledore: XY chromosomes, a penis and a vagina
Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts and the wisest character in the series, could only ever be a man. This is due to men’s inherent biological leadership qualities and generally high IQ. Interestingly, he does have working female and male genitalia, but because of the penis he cannot be a woman. Why are you giggling and saying this makes about as much sense as the plot of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix?
Severus Snape: X chromosomes, two penises
For much of the series, Professor Snape is a villain. This is down to the fact he only possesses one set of chromosomes, making him feel deeply and profoundly emasculated. It is only in the seventh book that he is redeemed, and, in my head, given a second penis.
Firenza the centaur, XY chromosomes, normal (horse) penis
Just like Harry Potter, the centaur in my book is a man, therefore he has XY chromosomes and a penis. But he is also part horse, which makes him a horse, and therefore not a man. But he has a penis, so he must be a man, yes? Well, he’s definitely not a woman, so I am right, as always. And if you say I’m not, you’ll be hearing from my lawyers.
