HITTING the job market and, now infidelity’s no longer scandalous, the dating market as well? Tinder doesn’t need to know about your most recent period of employment:
Create a cover story
Your date will most likely be looking for a partner with good judgment and a solid financial footing. Admitting you were involved in either the Johnson or Truss administrations will ruin that, so you need a story to cover at least the last five years. A stretch in a Columbian maximum security prison is less concerning.
Break into showbusiness
If Ed Balls can, you can. Call your contacts, begin with Saturday Kitchen, work your way up to the Masked Singer and prospective partners will assume they’re at fault for not having heard of you and never ask why you’re in Aladdin at the Bolton Octagon.
Delete old flames
As a Conservative MP, you were deluged with filthy offers daily. Researchers, lobbyists, Russian spies or Princess Beatrice, they were all ready and willing. But don’t waste time chasing them up now because they’re no longer interested, not even the Lib Dems. All they wanted to f**k was your power. And you respect that.
Stop behaving like a Conservative MP
Certain telltale behaviours may betray your former profession. Putting the date on expenses, deleting all WhatsApp messages, and calling the police on homeless people are all tells. When calling your dealer for a couple of grams, remember not to call him ‘Govey’.
Get a new wardrobe
If you’re not a Tory MP anymore, there’s no need to look like one. Also, there’s a not insignificant overlap between looking like a Tory and looking like a divorced man who hasn’t had sex since lockdown but wants to ‘live, laugh love with that special someone, must own property’. Jeans and a ‘F**k forever’ T-shirt should fool everyone.
