BREAK-UPS are sad, traumatic events, unless it’s your ex who’s just been dumped. However it’s best to hide your overwhelming joy at the news, so try these tips.
Put yourself in their shoes
It’s natural to want to punch the air and bitch to your friends when you hear your ex has been ditched, but try showing a little empathy. Imagining how painful it must be for them should get your beaming grin under control, although since you’re incredibly bitter about how you parted ways that might make your delight spill over into cackling hysteria.
Think of something really upsetting
Just as unsexy thoughts of your gran or an intimidating utility bill prevent you from climaxing too soon, mentally picturing a catastrophe should take the edge off your obvious mirth. If you’re struggling to pick something, the Hindenburg disaster is a safe bet. Thirty-five passengers and crew died horribly as flames ripped mercilessly through the German airship. Awful. If only there was something you could think about to get that terrible image out of your mind…
Avoid talking to them
Resist the urge to check in with your ex at all costs. It will be abundantly clear that you’ve only reconnected to gloat or sniff around for a rebound shag when they’re at their most vulnerable. Do the mature thing and flick the Vs at a photo of them in private while blowing a raspberry and listing all their personality flaws.
Do some mindfulness shit
News of your ex’s romantic misfortune will likely have sent your heart rate soaring, so do some deep breathing to slow it down and light an incense stick. Journaling your deranged happiness will spare your friends from having to listen to you delighting in the sadness of another human being, but make sure nobody ever finds your scribblings or you’ll look like a lunatic.
Remember why they chucked you
This is where your glee is coming from, isn’t it? Because they thought you were emotionally stunted, bad at communicating, crap in bed, insecure, financially unsuitable, and riddled with low self-esteem. Remembering these grim facts should bring you down a bit as you wipe away your tears of laughter. But don’t get too sad, at least you’re not recovering from a breakup – like your undateable loser of an ex!
