WHEN you’re dating someone for the financial, sexual or career benefits it’s easy to let the romance slide. Here’s how my new partner Katie and I stay very much in love.
Show physical affection
When I was photographed recently with my hand on Katie’s bum, the papers said we were ‘packing on the PDA’, which sounds normal and is very much the pretence you’re trying to maintain. Also, touching your partner is a handy reminder that they’re going out with you, just in case they’ve forgotten they’re deeply in love.
Have slightly lower romantic expectations
Many couples in the first flushes of love will say things like ‘I can’t bear it when we’re apart’ or ‘You’re perfect in every way’. You’re aiming for slightly more realistic declarations of affection. ‘I need some more money for clothes’, ‘Can you help me break into TV?’ and ‘Lots of couples don’t have sex much’ are all better than nothing.
Make sure they don’t become successful
Few transactional relationships can survive one partner no longer being dependent in some way on the other, so encourage your beloved with career projects that are unlikely to go anyway, eg. creating their own brand of vegan candles. I don’t think there’s much danger of Katie becoming more successful than me, but that’s probably what Les Dennis thought.
Continue to impress them with your status
Obviously this is what allowed love to blossom in the first place, but it doesn’t hurt to keep reminding them how relatively successful you are. Personally this is a bit harder since I moved to GB News, but I’m sure I can still persuade top celebrities like Anne Diamond, Ian Botham or Mike Read to come round for a dinner party to impress Katie. If the worst comes to the worst I can always bury the hatchet with Schofield, he’s pretty free these days.
Leave love notes
Countless relationship experts recommend leaving affectionate messages where your partner can find them. Katie and I swear by this, and it’s wonderful to find a romantic note saying ‘Hi!’ or ‘We’ll definitely have sex in October’.
Take inspiration from other transactional relationships
Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee proved that mismatched relationships can work. And comedian Dick Emery famously moved in with much younger actress Fay Hillier, although I have to admit I regret mentioning it to Katie, because she’s too young to remember who Dick Emery was and it took me 45 minutes to explain. You’re not sure either? ‘Ooh, you are awful!’ ‘Gaylord!’ No?
Focus on the things you’ve got in common
Haters claim the large age gap typical of transactional relationships is a problem. Sure, with an age gap of 22 years Katie and I may not have similar memories or tastes, but we’ve got plenty of other things in common. We both like chicken, which gives us a lot to talk about, and neither of us likes wasps. And we both brush our teeth twice a day. When you look at it like that we’re practically twins.
