Existence of entire male friendship group hinges on one vaguely organised bloke

A GROUP of men who have been friends for two decades only remain so because of one man. 

The six friends, who met at university, would have never seen each other again post-graduation if not for the base-level social and organisational skills of Joe Turner.

Wayne Hayes said: “The lads are great. We have a proper laugh. If it were down to me, we’d have become strangers the moment we weren’t forced together by circumstance.

“It’s Joe who emails, who texts, who set up the WhatsApp group and who posts ‘Anyone up for Dublin in October?’ That’s too much f**king work for me. I’d sooner live out the rest of my life alone and save myself the stress.”

Friend Jules Cook agreed: “When we were at uni, had a virtually infinite amount of free time and literally lived in the same house friendship was easy, as it should be.

“But somehow, miraculously, we’ve continued meeting up even though we live in separate cities. Joe does it. Which is great even if staying in touch with mates is a bit gay.”

Mr Turner, who is organising a group trip to Amsterdam, said: “It’s not that f**king hard. Pick a place and a weekend and if that doesn’t work pick another one.

“I’m not even good at it, but with the responsibility of 20 years of friendship on my shoulders I don’t really have a choice.”

Being right-wing will keep you nice and warm, Starmer tells pensioners

KEIR Starmer has told pensioners worried about their winter fuel allowance that being furiously and impotently right-wing will give them an inner glow. 

The prime minister has advised readers of the Daily Express if they work themselves up to approximately the froth they were in between 2016 and 2019 about their precious Brexit, they will soon be red-faced and sweating.

He continued: “We’re exploring alternative energy sources. And whatever rage keeps you old crocks going seems inexhaustible.

“Cold fingers? Off you go and tweet your support for Reform. Cold feet? Have a stamp up and down with your old ‘No Deal Now’ sign. Cold feeling deep inside? That’s because after all your tantrums you still lost, didn’t you?

“But don’t worry. Dwell for a moment on small boats, on our net zero idiocy, or on that photo of me and Angela kneeling from 2020 and you’ll soon have the blood circulating madly around your body and one eye twitching spasmodically.

“Watching GB News is free – nobody would pay for it – and that’ll keep you fired up with splenetic indignation all day long. I only hope your heart can take it.”

He added: “Left-wing? Either the warmth of finally having a socialist government or burning injustice that a red Tory’s in charge. Either is fine.”