Lifestyle

PEOPLE who are stoned out of their minds all the time don’t get that way by accident. They’ve shaped their own daily routines around ensuring they never have to confront cold, painful reality.

DO you have a friend who claims to love living in London but who you suspect secretly hates it? Here’s how to see through their lies.

DOES your useless new laptop from Amazon stop working when you use it in the bath? Here’s how to write a stupid and misleading Amazon review.

A MAN who has just snorted a line of cocaine has confirmed that the drug is ‘fucking brilliant’ and that tomorrow can look after itself.

A MAGAZINE in a doctor's waiting room has taken its reader back to happier times before Brexit, vape juice and compulsory recycling.

A CYCLIST has set a new personal best in how quickly he can tell someone he is into cycling even though they are not interested.

A TATTOO artist has had the disturbing thought that every customer looks worse, not better, after visiting him.

A LOSING Lotto scratchcard has been stared at for an additional 20 seconds on the chance that the buyer mistook £200 for £5,000 at first glance.

A WOMAN who spends all of her free time sewing, baking and ballroom dancing would make the Suffragettes turn in their graves.

DO you think doing American things makes you interestingly ‘on trend’ and not just an ostentatious wanker? Here are some suggestions.