WHEN it comes to questionable dating choices, there’s nothing so visibly freakish as a batshit big age gap. So why do people do it? We explore the pros and cons of dating someone who regularly gets mistaken for your grandpa.
Pros
You feel like a celebrity
Look at the heads you are turning as you stride down the street, hand on the arse of the Joe-Biden-lookalike you love. It feels like the whole world is talking about you…and they are, friends and strangers alike. You live a life of raised eyebrows and amazed whispers, just as if you were dating Mick Jagger (if only your boy had the muscle strength to lift a guitar).
It’s a canny investment strategy
You know what they say: a flaccid dick in your mouth today, a massive inheritance payout tomorrow. It’s simply a question of maths (and morally questionable choices).
Disclaimer: your man does need to be minted to begin with and be free of litigious children from former relationships. Also, ideally, he should be 85+ when you start banging him, which may negate all other pros.
You grow a thick skin
If you can swallow down the horror on innocent baristas’ faces as you explain that the decaf latte with a straw you just ordered isn’t for your grandfather, it’s for your f**kbuddy, you can face anything in life. The personal growth will be invaluable if you can get over the shame.
It’s so easy to cheat
If you want to take another lover, that’ll be no problem when your own meal ticket is tucked up in bed by 9pm with a book about WW2 fighter jets. Also, if they ever see you with another man, you can simply play the dementia card and tell them their memory must be failing.
Nobody will complain again
You know how your friends and family always complain you make bad decisions when it comes to love? Well, any average dickhead you date after this saggy-skinned pensioner will seem like a dream in comparison. From now on, you’ll hear nothing but praise for dodgy Gary with the swastika tattoo.
Cons
You have no references in common
Your man has the cash to take you to a concert, but which do you choose: Taylor Swift or The Doobie Brothers? And when you try to talk about your favourite TikTokker, they show you their watch collection. It’s lonely place to be.
You’ll prove your mum right
You know the satisfaction of proving the naysayers wrong? Yeah, that’s unlikely to happen in this scenario. And when your relationship goes to shit, on top of the heartache, you’ll have to face the pain of knowing all the f**kers who judged you have been proved right.
You have to shag an old person
Probably the biggest negative of this scenario is that you’ll have to pretend to be turned on by the saggy old flesh and greying pubes of someone old enough to be in a nursing home. If you can get through the retching and self-disgust, you could end up with a mutually satisfying sex life. But it’s unlikely.
