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The posh person's guide to killing things for fun

WHILE we peasants go to the pub or watch TV for entertainment, posh people like to murder small, unarmed creatures. Here’s what you need to know if you want to join the hunting set.

Horses

They’re like cars, but crap all over the place and don’t have any cup holders or storage space. Use them to sit on and race around the countryside. A secret rule of fox hunting is that you get extra points for trampling people’s back gardens.

Clothing

Ditch the Vans, Adidas and Superdry and dress head-to-toe in tweed, topping it off with a wax jacket and trousers tucked into knee-length socks. You might think you look ridiculous, and you’d be right. Think of it as a British version of The Purge, without the risk of a grouse pulling out a 9mm automatic.

Flat caps

Utterly pointless, neither keeping your head warm nor keeping off rain, but essential if you’re going shooting or a bullshit Guy Ritchie character, eg. ‘Cheese Grater Chas’.

Shotguns

The smaller your penis, the more expensive a shotgun you need to compensate. Expect to spend up to £5,000 if you’ve got a three-incher, but smaller than that, up to £100,000 for a vintage Purdey. The same rule applies to the vehicle you turn up in. Ladies need not expect too much from a toff with a Range Rover the size of a WW2 Panzer.

Pheasants

It might seem cruel to blast pheasants out of the sky, but as a species they love living life on the edge, and savour every moment of their short, precious lives before a tubby, red-faced hedge fund manager called Tarquin or Quentin ends it.

Foxes

Despite what Roald Dahl says about them, foxes aren’t fantastic – they’re evil half-cat, half-dog creatures who wear waistcoats and steal cider. The Labour Party banned hunting them with hounds in 2005, but luckily for hunters, the law only applies if you get caught.

Beaters

Beaters are poor rural people who tramp about scaring pheasants out of the undergrowth so you can take a pop at them. You might accidentally shoot the odd one, but generations of grovelling class deference will cause them to apologise to you for wasting good lead shot.

Animal rights activists

One thing sure to put a dampener on your fun is mask-wearing oiks bleating about animal cruelty. Don’t worry – they’re just jealous because they’re poor and can’t afford a horse due to frittering all their money on cannabis. Also they provide their own sport as they get chased and beaten to a pulp by ‘hunt supporters’, ie. ‘local thugs’.

Childhood TV heroes of the 80s who would have made shit friends

THANKS to age and hindsight, you now realise most of the TV heroes of your childhood would have been a disaster to hang out with. Here are just some of them.

The Krankies

The last word in hilarity for a child. However since the husband-and-wife team appeared in character all the time, there was a risk you’d walk in on them and the blood would drain from your face as you screamed: ‘WHAT’S IAN DOING TO WEE JIMMY KRANKIE?’

Avon from Blake’s 7

The character everyone wanted to be in playground games, but not friend material. It’s not so much that he was a ruthless, self-interested killer, more that you’d get sick of his inane banter with Villa they used to pad out episodes because the budget was about 20 quid.

Mystery Inc.

The activities of Scooby-Doo’s friends looked like fun, but the villains were ultimately small fry whose convoluted scams deserved pity more than condemnation. It’s probably more exciting catching people slightly over-claiming Housing Benefit. Even fancying Daphne throws up issues of paedophilia – and the fact that she’s a two-dimensional cartoon from 1969. The whole thing, sadly, is a non-starter.

The Why Don’t You? gang

A readymade set of friends much cooler than your own! Or maybe not. They spent their time reading out shit jokes like ‘What goes Zzub zzub? A bee flying backwards’ and were always doing reports on tabletop war games. The cool kids at their schools were spending their holidays experimenting with alcohol and poring over porn mags found in bushes. These were the runts of the litter.

Noel Edmonds

Imagine being friends with the fun-loving host of Swap Shop! He could probably get you a Millennium Falcon! However, Edmonds believes he’s visited by the spirits of the dead, presented The Late, Late Breakfast Show with its fatal bungee stunt, and won’t shut up about ‘Crinkley Bottom’. Your dad would have punched his lights out if he’d come round.

Sapphire and Steel 

Both were extremely cool, but as interdimensional elements ostensibly from the periodic table correcting errors in time (yeah, no one’s sure how that worked) they probably wouldn’t be interested in collecting conkers or going for a Wimpy. It was surprisingly scary, and since the Daleks scared you shitless you were probably best off not seeing Joanna Lumley’s face turn to goo.

Bodie and Doyle from The Professionals

As their name suggests, highly skilled undercover security operatives, but extremely bad role models for a child. You’d have been the only eight-year-old at school capable of downing nine pints with a huge repertoire of sexist comments about any passing female.

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