WOMEN have admitted they demand large diamond rings because they are an unignorable warning to annoying wankers trying to chat them up.
Fiancées explained that far from being a smug Instagram post or an item to hastily sell if the relationship goes tits up, the main function of a ludicrously expensive ring is to ward off vampiric suitors like a crucifix.
Jeweller Nikki Hollis said: “It’s assumed women are drawn to large gemstones because we’re human magpies who take a childlike delight in seeing the visible light spectrum bounce around on our fingers.
“When actually it’s because, short of turning into a lizard on the spot, they’re the only thing to guarantee aggressive little men will leave us alone.
“Having a massive cut stone on your finger is a language they understand. It gives off a Bat-signal to all creeps in the area to retreat to their Bat-caves, or however Batman works. Raise your hand to the light and the reflections repel them, scuttling and hissing.
“And if the rock’s chunky enough, a certain kind of man can’t see it without imagining the damage it would do to his Tesla’s paintwork when he’s caught nuts-deep in another woman. These are exactly the men we want to repel.”
Man Stephen Malley said: “Woman expensive ring. Woman expensive. Make man afraid.”
