THE gifts of the internet are many: email, wide access to troubling pornography and something to do on buses. But these phrases are not to be employed offline:
‘Spill the tea’
Or ‘tell me the gossip’, IRL. Why are you speaking like a lobotomised Radio 1 DJ? What even is the tea? That your mate Lisa got sacked from the hairdressers for nicking six tubs of hair wax from the stockroom? Hardly Watergate, is it?
‘I have the receipts’
In this case Lisa’s message on a Facebook group offering tubs of hair wax for sale, but would ‘I’ve got screenshots’ not be more accurate and sound less portentous? You’re not a Kardashian, not even one of the lesser ones.
‘Chef’s kiss’
There are a million ways to express admiration: a compliment, a pat on the back, a haiku. Instead of any of those, you’ve chosen to mime kissing your thumb and index finger while saying ‘chef’s kiss’ out loud, to recreate an emoji. Anything you think is perfect is shit.
‘Clapped back’
Online nobody just replies. They’re all clapping back, which is as unremarkable there as stepsister porn and as unacceptable in normal situations. ‘Did you see how Lisa clapped back at her haters after being arrested for stealing hair wax?’ should not be uttered in a Costa Coffee. It will make everyone hate you.
‘No notes’
Again, used to describe something wonderful. But others have notes: they have added the notes ‘you’re not in the f**king Simpsons writers room’ and ‘shut up, dickhead’.
‘TL:DR’
‘Too long; didn’t read’ is a fine boast of ignorance online, but in real life? Telling someone you haven’t listened is rude. Also, saying initials was bollocks when it was OMG and LOL. Nothing’s changed.
‘Fit check’
Everyone hopes they look at least presentable. In the magical wonderland inside your phone, a ‘fit check’ invites others to concur in your assessment. Outside that oblong portal, stopping to survey your own look in the window of Timpsons while asking friends to chime in is insanely narcissistic.
‘Doomscrolling’
To others within your obsessive device-fixated online community, doomscrolling is staying up to 3am reading whatever comes up on your phone. At work it’s considered weird, wrong and self-destructive. If you have to explain it you’ve lost, even if you later add you also watched three episodes of Love Is Blind, had a wank and commented ‘oh no babes!’ on Lisa’s Instagram about her 120 hours of community service.
