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How to take out your bitterness and envy on a friend who's bought a house

HAS a friend somehow managed to buy a house? Here’s what to say to passive-aggressively share your jealousy and anger.

‘This business with mortgages and interest rates is a bit worrying’

You haven’t got a clue about mortgages or interest rates, but you’ve managed to glean that the situation isn’t ideal. Bring your friend’s mood down by mentioning it and, when they say they aren’t too worried as they’re on a fixed-term, feel even more pissed off with them as you don’t know what the f**k that means either.

‘I’m waiting for house prices to crash before I buy’

You think this is a subtle jab, suggesting that they were stupid to invest in property when the market is about to nosedive, and that you are incredibly savvy and will snap up a four-bed semi for £60,000 in a year’s time. You are wrong, and your friend knows this, but is too polite to say so.

‘Well, I guess this area is due for gentrification’

A double-whammy, as you’ve both insinuated that they’ve moved to a shithole of an area, and also that they’re about to push out locals and destroy the community with their latte-drinking, middle-class ways. The joke’s on you as the locals will be thrilled to sell their houses for an inflated price in a few years, and your friend will be at the centre of a vibrant, trendy area.

‘All you’ve got is a set of keys and a massive debt’

The gloves are off now, and you’re going in hard with the facts. While this might be technically true, they also have more security and freedom than you do in your rented hovel, and you would swap your own mother to be in hock to the bank for the next 40 years like they are.

‘I don’t want to worry you but I just saw the neighbour with a crack pipe’

This is sheer desperation, but probably the thing that will cause them the most sleepless nights. Maybe pop by and smash a window while they’re out too, for good measure. At the very least you’ll rid yourself of some of the seething resentment and fury you’re feeling.

'Well shaggable': Complimentary phrases about women it's best women don't hear

MEN are powerfully complimentary about women when talking among themselves, but the language they use can be somewhat forthright: 

‘Well shaggable’ 

Every woman knows she is, at the least, shaggable due to her possession of a vagina. Upping the ante to ‘well’ doesn’t impress. The inference that whether they may shag or not is up to you is proven wrong by the fact that if you’re heard using this term you will not get a shag.

‘Fit’

Nothing to do with her gym regime and planned September half-marathon, which she’d be pleased you’d noticed, more a reference to attractiveness unchanged from GCSE days. No man has ever got laid by saying ‘Hi, you’re really fit’.

‘MILF’

Defining a woman by describing her as still attractive even though she’s had kids is something men consider a huge compliment. Even though her fanny has been through it and her breasts repurposed as a food source, you still would. Though men know not to say this directly to the MILF in question.

‘Legs that go all the way to the top’

The top of where? Her head? Contrary to popular male belief, ladies don’t have long, slender legs purely to give you something to ogle. They walk on them. Wearing a miniskirt because it’s boiling outside is not a signal to you.

‘Jugs on that’ 

Because a woman has large bosoms, you reduce her to the indefinite article? You don’t have to be a grammarian to know that’s f**ked up. Women do not love being defined solely by the size of their breasts, and are less proud of large boobs than you imagine. They prefer you to pretend not to notice.

‘Gagging for it’

Perhaps the most primal example of projection, where a man states something about another that is actually true of themself. In this case that they are so desperate for sex they wrongly project this on a woman passing on the street, who overheard and is incredibly turned-off.

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