THE office is already hell if it’s not air-conditioned, but which of your colleagues are earmarked for plum jobs in the pit of the damned?
Security guard
On our earthly plane, Jim on security won’t let you in without your pass even though you’ve seen him every day for a decade. In the netherworld he becomes Charon, the boatman on the river Styx, and if you have no money for your fare he will say ‘sorry love’ and ‘it’s more than my job’s worth’.
Finance manager
On earth, the finance manager leads other, lesser demons to torment mortals whose sales projections are not up to date. In Hell, they take it up a notch, punishing sinners by attending strategy meetings that are none of their business which last all eternity.
Tech guy
On earth, the IT guy spends most of his time in a subterranean, chilly universe called the Server Room. In the bowels of hell, IT guys are promoted to torment suffering souls trying to reset their password by branding them with it again and f**king again.
Strategy analyst
On earth they have an air of palpable smugness that hints at their stupidly inflated salary. Down below they do things like propose a company merger with the Buddhist underworld or naraka that brings plaudits from Satan and pure, seething hatred from everyone else.
Compliance and risk manager
When living, their job is to think of every terrible thing that might befall a person so they can avoid corporate liability. It’s the same role in Hades but there demons use it as more of a to-do list.
PA
On earth a gatekeeper to the CEO with stylish blonde highlights and a nasty bite. Post-damnation they assume their true form as Cerberus the snarling hell-hound, receptionist of the gates of Hell and keeper of Lucifer’s diary.
Social events manager
Social events managers pick events no one wants to do, divide people into groups and make them run around in distress, which is straight from Dante. In the underworld they add flipcharts, force hapless sinners to brainstorm and say ‘there are no bad ideas’.
Social media manager
In hell as on Earth, desperately trying to go viral by tweeting sassy interactions with other brands, eventually going too far with the message ‘Branston Pickle pussy be wild yo’, and summoning the foulest monsters from the pit. It’s a mess only PR people could clean up. Fortunately Hell is crawling with them.
