THE long summer holidays can put undue pressure on your relationship with self-abuse. Here Oliver O’Connor explains how to keep compulsive masturbation fresh:
Explore new areas
It’s too easy to fall into a porn rut. Open your mind to new possibilities. Try jizzing over Nala from The Lion King, over the silver medallist in the Omnium, over Annabelle the haunted doll. Yesterday I masturbated to thoughts of Empress Theodora, the wife of Byzantine Emperor Justinian I, which was both sexy and history revision.
Go out looking for MILFs
My biology teacher Ms Ferguson is lost to me for the summer. Tragedy, but there are others out there. My initial research suggests Asda and the doctor’s surgery are poor hunting grounds, and tennis courts and Waitrose turn up some very likely prospects. Avoid the eyes of other teen boys shamefacedly doing the same thing. Check their mums out though.
Try abstention
Hear me out. Experts, including Jonathan Ross and the Dalai Lama, agree a break from self-gratification makes subsequent wanks more satisfying. Give your balls time to completely refill and the subsequent ejaculation will make you fall in love with it all over again. To begin with, try for at least a six-hour break.
Go on a wanking holiday
Recharge your tugging batteries with a change of scene, like mum and dad tried to do with their marriage. You can’t fly to Venice like they did, but there are so many places around the home you’ve never spaffed: the garage, the loft, the garden shed. The thrill of it will make you feel so alive.
Begin lucid dreaming
As a teenager you sleep 14 hours a day, largely unpunctuated by whacking Billy. In a lucid dream you control events and can order Dua Lipa to strip then do her Glastonbury set. It can be difficult to get the hang of, and the narrative segues between doing an exam naked and sex can so be so awkward they wake you up, but it works in theory.
Experiment with advanced techniques
Not easy because you can’t just copy a YouTube video, this seems to involve stimulating parts you usually ignore. Handy to know, like a reef knot, but I’m unsure about prostate massage in case it turns me gay. I’m no homophobe, but updating a terabyte of porn from boobs to hairy arses is admin I don’t need.
