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Family simply too middle-class to enjoy holiday

A FAMILY on an excursion abroad have admitted they are too middle-class to sully themselves by deriving pleasure from it. 

The Bradford family meticulously plan every moment of their holiday to pack it with activities that are educational, aspirational and Instagrammable, eschewing the relaxing or fun.

Emma Bradford, mother of two prodigies, said: “We can’t lower the tone just because we’re in foreign climes. Beaches are for manual workers. Fellatio-themed alcohol on banana boats is not the future we want for Imogen and Anemone.

“Instead we’re in the Cantabrian mountains hiking and monitoring the effects of climate change on their Mesozoic folds. It’s so wonderfully worthy, with plenty of monasteries and wool museums for rainy days.

“Imogen got to work a 400-year-old loom. Imagine how envious all her friends at her independent school will be when they hear.

“It was stressful and neither me nor my husband had a drink the whole week because I was worried about sun blindness, but fundamentally that’s what holidays should be about. Unrelenting edifying cultural excursions.”

“You can relax and have fun at home.”

Pool lifeguard has gut feeling today is the day he'll have to do something

A LIFEGUARD at a public swimming pool senses that the time may have finally come for him to perform an action that is neither sitting, standing or walking. 

Ryan Whittaker, aged 20, spends eight hours a day, five days a week, closely monitoring swimmers ploughing up and down lanes none of whom are in need of even a moment’s assistance, but has a feeling in his bones his inactivity is about to come to an end.

He said: “Lifeguarding’s a waiting game. I’ve put in the hours, and my gut tells me my patience is about to pay off.

“The summer holidays are starting, the kids are out in force, they’re granted the use of floating mats for a heady 90 minutes a day of Fun Swim. There’s a real risk I might actually have to do my job, and I ain’t talking about blowing no whistle.

“It goes against everything we lifeguards stand for, abiding as we do by by a strict code of non-intervention like Attenborough filming nature. Only if someone gets into real trouble are we permitted to leap into action and throw our red floats.

“Today feels different though. The winds of change are blowing, and I’ve got a real feeling a bloke may get into trouble in the 15 per cent of the pool where he can’t easily stand up. Today, I save a life.”

Swimmer Eleanor Shaw said: “That guy in the tall chair… just blinked?”

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