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Hourglass, pear, spoon or bloke: what's your body shape?

DO you think your body is of averagely human appearance? You’re wrong. These are the bullshit body shapes you need to choose between.

Rectangle

You’ve got roughly equal bust, waist and hip measurements, which apparently means you are a rectangle and doesn’t take into account the fact you have arms, legs and a head. Apparently the desired body shape for models, meaning you’ll be good at striding around looking moody as f**k.

Hourglass

A curvy body shape is the most attractive, right? Well, only if the curves are in very specific places. Boobs and bum are good, but heaven forbid those curves extend to your thighs and stomach. If this is the case you have to put on something called shape wear, which flattens unsightly bulges but makes you feel like an overstuffed sausage.

Pear

Being described as ‘pear-shaped’ is code for ‘you have reached the age of 50 and turned into a chubby old hag’. Luckily on reaching the age of 50 women also attain the status of no longer giving a shit about this kind of nonsense so you can call them whatever you like and they’ll just tell you to get stuffed.

Spoon

You’d think this body shape meant you have a giant head and tiny, skinny body but actually it means you have big hips and bottom and a slimmer torso. But the main takeaway is that if you own spoons resembling a big-bummed human being they won’t fit in a cup and you should buy some new ones.

Mesomorph

Is this one even real? It sounds like the name of an ocean-dwelling dinosaur with huge teeth and a long neck. Well, yes, it is real and it means having a square and muscular frame, which compared to looking like a sea monster is incredibly boring.

Bloke

Oh, hang on, you’re a man? Never mind then, no one gives a toss about your body shape and you can wear whatever you want. Also the clothes don’t wildly differ in size depending on which shop you go in and they’re much cheaper. Lucky old you.

The five worst house guests you've ever had, ranked

HAVING guests over seems like a nice idea but the reality is that people are largely rude, annoying bastards. Here are the worst.

The one whose house is better than yours

This person is the sort who has a brief look at the house you scrimped and saved to buy and says things like ‘You’re so lucky having a manageable home. Our place needs constant cleaning, what with the four bathrooms. And we had to build an outhouse for the ride-on mower’. Prick.

The one with lots of dietary requirements

Tom’s girlfriend Emma, who you have never met before, can’t eat nuts, dairy or gluten, which means you either have to make her a separate meal or serve boiled rice and a bland chickpea curry to all of your guests. After this event you’ll drop subtle hints to Tom that she’s not good enough for him as you can’t be arsed with the faff of catering for her again.

The unintentional insulter

The person who looks out at the garden, winces sympathetically, and says ‘It’ll look lovely when you’ve spent some time on it’ despite the fact that you’ve lovingly tended it for the past five years. Also likely to utter ‘Don’t worry, I don’t notice mess either’, which will make you want to smack them as you’ve already tidied up.

The enthusiastically nosy one

This person has no compunction about opening kitchen cupboards or pulling books off shelves. And later, when they’ve had a few glasses of wine, you’ll find them rooting around in your bedroom drawers and exclaiming over your sex toy collection, before going back downstairs to tell your other guests what they discovered.

The person who does a poo

The unwritten rule is to hold it in until you get home. Yet this guest leaves an unmistakeable fragrance wafting through your house so that the rest of your dinner party is spent eating in an ambience not unlike that of an infrequently cleaned public toilet. And they don’t even seem ashamed, the animal.

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