THERE are many pubs within walking distance of your home, but you only drink in one. Two at a push. Here’s why.
The Robin Hood
Maybe not actually a pub? Because you went in, once, past a bloke smoking a fag outside, and there was nobody in there and nobody behind the bar. No music or telly, lights blazing. The bloke came in and was the landlord and served you. You drank in silence and left.
The Railway Inn
Tucked down a side-street but surprisingly busy with patrons more pissed than you’d expect. Few chairs or tables. Very basic. Framed local newspaper stories on the walls. On closer inspection, recent stories about pub regulars being done for GBH at football matches. You leave your pints. A drunk’s heading over to finish them.
The Cricketer’s Arms
A locals’ pub. You know this because when you entered everyone stared at you like you’d walked into a stranger’s front room and asked for a drink. Conversation continues but only after a suspicious glance in your direction. You go in the beer garden for a fag and a man’s unconcernedly pissing on a lager keg.
The Old Horse
Why is everyone in here so bearded? And it seems like they all know each other but in kind of a cult way? And the barman seems genuinely welcoming? Oh f**k. It’s a CAMRA pub. He’s guiding you through how hoppy the guest ales are. He’ll see you wincing when you take a sip. You’re effectively barred.
The Plough
Typical soulless beer, meals and soft-play area chain pub, except less successful. Has all the facilities they have, but less maintained. The Sky Sports won’t turn down. Half the beers aren’t on. The kitchen stops serving at 8pm. When they say 30 pubs close every week, it’s ones like this.
The Henry Hindley
Wetherspoons named after the inventor of the screw-cutting lathe. Exactly like all Wetherspoons everywhere. You’re in here quite often because it’s cheap.
Jakey’s
Formerly The Coach House, now run by a local who brought in mismatched antique furniture, cocktails, gastropub fusion food and a DJ night because he went to London a few times and has a confused idea of sophistication. Your regular because f**k it, at least he’s trying.
