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Gay man shatters stereotypes by being boring, unfunny and badly-dressed

A GROUND-BREAKING gay man is breaking the mould of well-dressed, hilarious and fascinating gay guys by being absolutely none of those things. 

Though Martin Bishop is definitely homosexual he often finds acquaintances assume he is straight based on his tendency to wear dark-wash bootcut jeans with a Coldplay T-shirt while loudly discussing unjustifiable rises in council tax.

Martin said: “When people hear I’m gay, they expect waspish wit, flawless outfits and sparkling discourse to rival Gok Wan or Graham Norton. But I’m not like that at all.

“When I came out, mum was thrilled to have a gay son she could watch Drag Race and gossip about Katy Perry’s pathetic attempt at a comeback with. However, I’m not really interested in pop culture or fashion. I like military history.

“In fact, I still get her to buy my clothes for me. And I struggle to tell Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande apart.

“I don’t really go to gay bars, because they’re silly and always playing overly loud disco. If I want to meet men there’s Grinder. I prefer to stay in with my pet lizard. He enjoys eating crickets, whereas I prefer a nice bottle of Carlsberg.”

Long-time friend Julian Cook said: “Sometimes I genuinely forget that he likes cocks. I mean, last year he skipped my Eurovision party to watch a documentary about eels.”

Man applying sunscreen to girlfriend's back torn between lust and UV protection

A MAN applying sunscreen to his girlfriend is struggling to balance the competing pressures of his arousal and her need for UV protection.

Josh Hudson and girlfriend Grace Wood-Morris were spending a day on the beach when she set off both his libido and his protective instincts by stretching out and asking him to rub sunscreen in.

He said: “She’s asking for sex, right? That’s what this means. But what if she’s actually asking for sunscreen?

“It’s a minefield. I’m touching someone basically naked who I want to bone, but if I turn this into an erotic massage I could be responsible for her getting sunburn.

“My girlfriend is a funny, intelligent person but she is also, right now, a wall on which I’ve got to apply a layer of undercoat. But a sexy wall. The situation’s not helped by the areas I’m most keen to apply lotion to being those which will remain covered.

“I can’t risk getting too into it. This is a public beach with loads of people about and I’m in trunks. I’m a hard-on away from going on the sex offenders register.”

Wood-Morris said: “I applaud his careful attention to those delicate areas of skin most likely to suffer damage from deep UVB rays, such as my tits.”

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