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Falling house prices: the best news ever or the end of your life? Take our quiz

SHOULD you be overjoyed that house prices have hit a two-year low, or is your life no longer worth living? Find out with our quiz.

Do you own a house?

A) You’re joking, right? I don’t have rich parents and I didn’t try to buy before 2008. I don’t stand a chance.

B) Yes, I worked a normal amount, only inherited a healthy sum and bought a house for a few grand in the 60s. Young people should follow my example.

Are you trying to save a deposit?

A) Yes, I have been putting aside the 20 pence left over from my pay packet for the last 20 years. I should have enough by 3000AD.

B) No, if I want another property then the bank just authorises another mortgage in a couple of clicks. It’s very easy.

Do you see a house as a business investment?

A) No. As long as I have a little place to call my own I’ll be happy. You can’t take it with you.

B) Yes. I pore over every property story in the Daily Express and have lovely dreams about buy-to-let contracts. If the pleasant detached property I own doesn’t return an eye-watering profit then what’s the point of happily living in it?

Are you f**king loaded?

A) Remarkably no, even though I have cancelled Netflix and don’t drink coffees from shops like patronising homeowners advise me to.

B) Only in terms of assets such as my huge housing empire. If I sold them off all I would have is a measly few million.

What would you do with a house?

A) Live in it, obviously. And be happy that I’ve escaped the extortionate rental market. Like most people.

B) Use it as collateral so that I could buy more houses, then rent them out at a ludicrous rate to generate passive income. It’s the modern bastard’s way.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Congratulations, tumbling house prices are the window of opportunity you’ve been waiting for. That’s if prices weren’t already so insanely high even a big reduction means you still need 400k for a tiny semi. Hooray, but also, never mind.

Mostly Bs: Bad luck, the temporary dip in house prices means that you might not be generating a huge profit for doing f**k all. If it wasn’t for the stability of your house-owning life you’d start to despair. But you’ve got one, so it’s alright. You’re fine.

Middle-aged man forced to warm up before bed to avoid injury

A MAN in his 40s has found he now needs to limber up with some gentle exercise before bed to avoid strains and injuries.

Joe Turner, from Durham, used to regard sleep as a rejuvenating experience that was unlikely to take a serious toll on his bones and muscles, but is now old.

Upon recently turning 44, he has come to learn that getting eight hours of rest is in fact a physically gruelling endurance challenge that requires careful preparation.

He said: “When I was younger, I had no idea that lying completely still on a soft mattress could leave a man in such agonising pain. I would wake up feeling refreshed and ready to seize the day. These days I wake up feeling like I just ran a f**king marathon.

“I realised that – if I wanted to get through life without crippling aches in my neck and back – I needed to treat occasionally moving about in my sleep like the exhausting, labour-intensive activity it is.

“Now, before putting my head down for the night, I do a few reps of star jumps or go for a light jog around the bedroom. Just enough to warm up the muscles before another night of punishing exertion.”

Turner’s new regime has significantly improved the quality of his mornings, but has not eradicated the endless suffering of middle age.

He added: “I’m old and knackered, so I still feel like shit when I wake up – but I don’t feel quite so much like I’ve been in a car crash, so that’s a plus.” 

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