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Do you live in one of the most miserable towns in Britain?

RIGHTMOVE have released their list of the most soul-crushingly awful places to live in Britain – but is your town on there? Here’s your chance to find out.

Crewe, Cheshire

Described as a ‘shithole train junction with a high street so depressing it should sell euthanasia’ by residents, Crewe puts the lie to delusions about Cheshire being posh. The charity shops have bins of used syringes for 5p each.

Barrow-in-Furness, Cumbria

As if the Lake District was shaken to clear all the nastiness out and it collected in a foul little crevice at the bottom. Home to many failed industries, the consequent unemployment litters the town with the economically inactive and chronically violent.

Swindon, Wiltshire

Recorded in the Domesday Book as ‘a fykyng dumpe’, this concrete pissoir is best viewed from the windows of a non-stopping train in heavy rain.

Barnsley/Burnley, Yorkshire/Lancashire

Indistinguishable Northern sinkhole of depravation which claims to be two separate places but fools no one. Most notable event in history was live nightclub PA by Abz from Five in 2017.

Peterborough, Cambridgeshire

Flat fenland town blessedly inaccessible from anywhere. Teenagers hanging round in the shopping centre blink an eye, 40 years pass and they’re on mobility scooters.

Newport, Gwent

Every life that ends here ends horribly. A trip to the coroner’s court is like flicking through a book of Stephen King short stories rejected by his publisher for being too unutterably vile.

Southend-on-Sea, Essex

Easily the country’s scummiest seaside resort. Chips so foul even seagulls won’t swoop for them. Everyone in Essex who doesn’t live here is bursting with pride at their achievement.

Coatbridge, North Lanarkshire

Famously, historically shite, the Scottish government has spent millions turning it into the Open-Air Museum of Abject Despondency. Visitor numbers were down from 38 to 19 last year.

Thamesmead, London

Brutalist labyrinth of crime where the concrete is slowly sinking into marshland and the most popular pub sport is getting glassed.

Middlesbrough, Yorkshire

Freezing petrochemical hellhole where wild swimmers die six different ways simultaneously. Its Transporter Bridge looks like a gallows for the industrial age, fittingly.

Getting married will save our relationship, and other mental things people think about their love lives

THINK legally yoking yourself to someone who gets on your nerves will magically make everything better? Here are some equally terrible relationship ideas.

Getting married will save our relationship

Having problems? Reckon getting hitched will make them all go away? Unfortunately, it won’t. Instead you’ll be contractually bound to the mouth-breathing moron you’ve come to hate and be extra pissed off with them because you’ve just wasted ten grand on what is essentially a big party. Spend your cash on moving out instead.

Having a baby will bring us closer together

Worried that your relationship is drifting and want something to bind you together? Then don’t have a baby. It will throw sleeplessness, exhaustion and terrifying anxiety about the fragility of life into your already failing partnership. Get a kitten instead. You can always rehome it when you do break up.

Looking at someone else is cheating

Do you think being deeply in love means that your partner will never cast an appreciative eye over someone else again? When they inevitably do, it doesn’t mean they’re about to cheat on you, but it does mean you are so cripplingly insecure you’ll drive them into someone else’s arms faster than you can say, ‘Are you looking at her tits?’

Arguing in public is acceptable

If you’ve been invited to a dinner party, it’s not because people want to see you and your partner engage in round 398 of your endlessly simmering passive-aggressive fight about who has to be the designated driver. Although eventually they’ll just stop inviting you, which will stop the arguments because you’ll never go out.

If you don’t settle now you’ll be alone forever

The amount of horny pensioners logging onto dating websites should demonstrate that it’s never too late to get your leg over or fall in love. Rather than grudgingly agreeing to marry Gareth the estate agent when you’re 29 because all your mates are getting wed, hold out for someone you actually love. Or just be single forever, it’ll be much less annoying.

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