A WOMAN experiences hardly any of the debilitating effects of menstruation because of her natural goodness.

Nikki Hollis, who considers herself to be a uniquely kind and generous person, has periods that are neither painful nor particularly hard to manage – something she believes cannot be mere coincidence.

Hollis said: “I think it’s because I’m just a really good person. I’m kind to animals and children. I once bought a Big Issue from a homeless that didn’t even look that malnourished. As a result, I’ve been blessed with light periods.

“I can only conclude that women who need super-extra-absorbent tampons or prescription painkillers must be full of inner toxicity they need to expel. It’s the only explanation that makes sense.”

Hollis has considered having her virtuous menstrual cycle studied and the results published in medical journals to help women less wonderful than herself.

She said: “I’m sure it would help poor, downtrodden women who go on and on about their painful periods. Perhaps they could consider doing meditation, or volunteering at a food bank, instead of complaining?”

Hollis’ GP Francesca Johnson said: “Despite what Nikki may believe, there’s nothing special about her from a medical standpoint. Although I have never seen these levels of unbearable smugness.”