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Earth to get unwanted immigrant moon

THE Earth is to get a moon it did not ask for, that has waltzed over from the outer solar system without permission, and which everyone is united against.

The second moon, due to arrive on Monday and which seemingly nobody has the gumption to stop, will take up orbit around our planet using our gravity which we pay our taxes for.

It hails from the foreign-sounding Arjuna asteroid belt and has crossed 2.5 million miles to reach Earth, where it no doubt intends to claim asylum on the grounds that the other asteroids pick on it.

Wayne Hayes of Colchester said: “There’s one moon and it’s white. End of.

“Apparently you won’t even be able to see this 2024 PT5 – what kind of a name is that – without a professional telescope. Well that makes me trust it even less.

“How do we know it won’t suddenly change course and slam into our planet at maximum velocity, making us as extinct as the dinosaurs? Scientists say that’s impossible, but what do they know?

“I’m not racist. We’re agreed from Northampton to Nigeria: that so-called moon should f**k off back where it came from. If it refuses? We send Tim Peake up there to twat it one.”

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Shed Seven, and other 90s bands so forgettable you had no idea they'd already reformed

EVERYONE is still talking about Oasis, but did you know these other bland 90s bands are already touring again? 

Cast 

A band whose most famous song perfectly describes their very best material: Alright. Bandleader John Power was previously in The La’s, which is a bit like Michelangelo finishing the Sistine Chapel and then dedicating the rest of his career to drawing cocks on toilet doors. Unbelievably, Cast released their seventh album in 2024, making a mockery of the phrase ‘practice makes perfect’.  

Kula Shaker 

Covid destroyed much that people loved while leaving evils unscathed. As a case in point, Kula Shaker’s most recent albums were released in 2022 and 2024. If their post-pandemic comeback passed you by, it’s because their brand of Eastern-tinged psychedelia is as fun to listen to as small children banging saucepans at 8pm on a Thursday evening. 

Shed Seven 

Imagine tickets going on sale for a Britpop band’s tour but with no colossal queues or dynamic pricing scandals. You’ve just imagined the Shed Seven 30th anniversary tour. These chancers actually reformed way back in 2007 and have even released a couple of dull new albums. If only you’d known – you could have not gone to see them all over again. 

The Bluetones 

These guys hit the big time with that song that sounds really like the Stone Roses but not as good. They staggered on until 2011 when they eventually split up, probably out of sheer boredom. Then they selflessly reformed four years later after realising their only value to society was giving pissed middle-aged people a fleeting pang of nostalgia by playing their only recognisable song. You know the one, it’s really like the Stone Roses but not as good. 

Puressence  

Manchester’s Puressence were the ‘next big thing’ for about a decade. They had a handful of top 40 hits in the late 90s; you probably heard them on Radio 1 and forgot what they went like while listening to them. Songs like This Feeling and All I Want are so generic it proves that AI is perfectly capable of replicating human creativity. Their 2024 reunion gig at the 2,290-capacity Albert Hall was just big enough for everyone who gave a shit to get a ticket. 

Sleeper  

Remember Sleeper? No? Sale of the Century? No? ‘We’ll spend the whole night making love on the sofa’? No? Female singer? No, not Elastica, they were good. Louise Wener? Fit but thick? Ah yes, now you remember! Fancy listening to their new albums and going to see them live just to hear Inbetweener? No? Fair enough. 

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