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Britons face not being able to have everything they want

THE UK’s debts and historically high tax levels could leave households unable to buy whatever they fancy, according to a new report.

Research by the Institute for Studies has found higher prices and mortgage rates mean formerly comfortable households are no longer able to have the lovely things they like so much, like high-quality granola or throw cushions.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Middle-income families face a dark age where they will see aspirational items in Sunday supplements and not be able to afford them right away.

“These are people who have done well, and yet they will be in last year’s Hunter wellingtons, bored of their furniture and forced to talk major purchases over with their spouse. Is that any way to live?

“It is essentially a John Lewis apocalypse except rather than eating our dead, we’ll be eating sandwiches we made ourselves.”

Sales manager Stephen Malley said: “I’ve worked reasonably hard all my adult life. In return I want is a big house full of the latest gadgets, a new car annually, holidays in hot countries, an enormous amount of golf and some cupcakes.

“If I can’t have all that, life is intolerable. I’m told there are people worse off, but they’ve never had Space.NK candles or lovely silken boxer briefs.”

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It's your birthday, and the other tragic reasons people go bowling

KNOCKING over skittles while wearing silly shoes is a uniquely depressing activity reserved for the most tragic occasions. Including these.

Your birthday

Getting older and closer to death is sad enough, but repeatedly rolling polyester balls down wooden bowling alleys makes these annual reminders of mortality even worse. Bowling on your birthday is a sign that you’ve exhausted more exciting alternatives like a fancy meal or karaoke, and have resigned yourself to a gradual decline. Many happy returns!

Office party

The only thing less appealing than bowling with friends is bowling with strangers you happen to share an office with. There’s the awkward small talk over a crap lager while you wait for your turn, the public humiliation as you bowl yet another gutter ball, and the dawning realisation that you’ll have to get pissed with these knobheads in the pub afterwards. You’d rather be at your desk or off sick.

Going through a divorce

Where do people go while the life-altering paperwork of a divorce is being processed? Home’s obviously a write-off. HR gets funny if they find people sleeping under their desks. And sofa surfing isn’t acceptable once you hit 30. Just like churches, the bowling alley is always there as a refuge for doomed souls. So long as you f**k off and kip in your car once they close.

Awkward first date

Bowling is better than the cinema because you can actually talk to each other, but that’s where the positives end. You’ll spend an hour demonstrating your lack of sporting prowess, and then your inability to swallow your petty anger when you inevitably lose. Plus any conversations you might have enjoyed will be drowned out by the clatter of skittles. If you arranged this date, expect to be ghosted.

To forget

Like an old sea dog looking out at endless rolling waves, bowling alleys are a perfect place to go if you want to forget. You don’t even have to bowl. You can just sit there in the shadows, watching the pins getting knocked down and reset again and again for hours until the pain goes away. But it never will, not entirely.

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