WERE you not expecting miracles from Labour, but are now justifiably annoyed at how shit they actually are? Here’s how to cope with it for the next five f**king years.
Don’t blame yourself
The choice between centrist Labour and the indescribably bad Tories was like being asked to choose between a day trip to Rhyl and being eaten by a bear. Rhyl sucks, but who the f**k would choose the latter? If you’d not voted Labour we might still be watching Sunak twatting about in his stupid trousers. Your hands were tied.
Lower your expectations
Not in the sense of being realistic about what Labour can achieve, more getting your expectations right down through the floor. That way even dreadful policies will feel relatively good. Sure, more austerity is bad, but what if they privatised nature and looking at a tree cost £140 for a family of four? Keep up the good work, Rachel Reeves.
Don’t worry about ‘clampdowns’
Labour is obsessed with crackdowns and clampdowns. Starmer and co have only been in office since July and already they’ve promised clampdowns on shoplifting, teenage vaping, actual smoking and ‘dynamic pricing’ of concert tickets. Don’t waste your time fretting about any of this. Every headline-grabbing clampdown gets instantly forgotten when faced with the slightest problem, eg. Ticketmaster points out they rather like gouging music fans.
Invest in an inflatable punching dummy
Labour are nowhere near as annoying as professional twats like Rees-Mogg, but it’s starting to become really noticeable that Starmer’s robotic blandness is quite irritating in itself. As such it may be a good idea to get one of those children’s inflatable punching dummies and put it next to the sofa. It’ll be a lot cheaper to lash out at that than have to buy a new telly every time you’ve thrown a plate at the screen when Wes Streeting was on.
Limit your consumption of political news
Now the election’s over, have a break from political news and unedifying fare like who’s-toughest-on-immigration debates. Apart from anything else you’ll avoid seeing a whole new cohort of unlikeable careerist politicians settling into a cosy circle-jerk with the likes of Kuenssberg and Peston, and that can only be extremely good for your mental health.
Resist the temptation to become a mindless politics cynic
You know the sort – whenever politics is mentioned they’ll repeat some cliche like ‘They’re all as bad as each other’ or ‘No matter who you vote for, the government always gets in’ then sit back smugly and wait for a round of applause. If Labour is responsible for more of these loathsome twats they deserve the Mussolini treatment.
Stay positive by remembering the Tories
However bad Labour are, they’re not the Tories, which means they’re achieving a lot with what they don’t do. When did you last see Boris Johnson’s moobs while he was pretending to go running? When did you last hear Suella Braverman sounding like she was quoting from Mein Kampf? When were you last creeped out by Matt Hancock? Not recently, and when you look at it like that Labour are f**king amazing.
