subscribe
/ Sign Out

A lady never tells her age, says 25-year-old

A WOMAN who is only 25 bizarrely thinks it is her prerogative as a female to keep her age a closely guarded secret.

Grace Wood-Morris, who was asked how old she is when registering with her local doctor, coyly responded that she would never reveal her true age, despite obviously being in her early 20s.

Wood-Morris said: “I think it’s important that ladies maintain an air of mystery about themselves, especially if, like me, you don’t have much else going on in terms of personality.

“If I tell someone how old I am, they’ll be able to work out when I’m turning 30, or, God forbid, 40. And I never want anyone to know that I’ve got that old and decrepit. Can you imagine the shame?

“A woman who tells her age tells everything, and I want to remain an enigma. Apart from when I’m posting every single detail of my life on Instagram for everyone to see.”

The doctor’s receptionist said: “If you think you’re old, wait until you get to my age, love. Then you might have grown up enough to stop being such an annoying little bellend.”

 

The five most terrifying things that happen in the first year of having a baby

HAVING a child is a life-changing experience. A mostly terrifying one. Here are five of the worst bits from year one, although there could be 50.

The birth

Best to start at the beginning. And it doesn’t get more terrifying than this. More bloody, visceral and dramatic than you can ever prepare yourself for. It turns out watching Call The Midwife wasn’t ‘sufficient research’. Oh and now you have a human to look after for the rest of your life. Bonus.

Driving home

Easily the most cautious journey of your life. The whole thing feels like you’re Lewis Hamilton flying through a chicane at the Hungarian Grand Prix. The reality is you’re going at eight miles per hour. And just got overtaken by a pedestrian.

The first night

That first night flying solo is an understandably tense experience. One which involves ‘sitting wide awake checking they’re still breathing’ and ‘more sitting there checking they’re still breathing’. But don’t fret, that feeling will go away after about 18 years. 

Eating anything solid

You can’t breastfeed them forever. Or at least that’s what society says. At some stage they’ll move onto solid food. This is when baby’s suicidal tendencies really come to the fore. They’ll get so enthused with eating, they’ll try and choke on everything. Try to stop them eating spoons.

The first accident

This can come in many forms, all equally horrendous. A fall, a bump on the head or baby sliding off the sofa because Daddy got too engrossed in the Champions League final. Actually babies are hard as nails so your worrying was totally pointless.

Handing them to your stupidest mate

You have to let other people hold your child. Parents and siblings are a given. But the most stressful moment is when the baby gets passed to ‘that mate’ – the clumsy bastard who crashed his car into a tree while looking for some sweets. And there’s nothing you can do but look on and grimace.

Next story ›