HAVING sex is usually better than watching the telly. However certain programmes are not conducive to putting the moves on your partner…
The news
Some newsreaders are extremely hot, but quite a few might dampen your ardour, such as stern-faced Huw Edwards. A bigger risk is snogging with Michael Gove looking on from the TV, or engaging in heavy petting in front of the snooker highlights, which is just weird, like having sex in front of your parents or your cat.
Masterchef
Food is a natural aphrodisiac. But not when Gregg Wallace and John Torode are involved. They shout so much, you might at well be having a foursome and the overall atmosphere of the high-stress cookery competition will probably cause erectile dysfunction anyway.
One Born Every Minute
Self-explanatory, really. If you can seduce someone during this gruesome maternity unit documentary you’re clearly one smooth muthaf**ker. By far the hardest Channel 4 show to get laid to, apart from Naked Attraction, which just tends to put you off sex forever.
Game of Thrones
Or anything with a complex plot. Yes, a spot of bumping uglies might seem like a fun distraction from following roughly 600 characters. But it does kill the romance if you stop mid-coitus to say ‘I thought he was dead’ or look up an actor on IMDb because you swear he used to be in Casualty.
The One Show
Boring, repetitive, vanilla – the perfect reason to do something more interesting like sex. But its tone shifts are legendary. You might start with light petting during a piece about llama farming but by the time you reach third base Jermaine Jenas is presenting an item about the Normandy landings.
Love Island
Too many toned, generically attractive bastards. While they’re disturbingly thick, compared to the sexpots on the telly, you and your partner doing it would look like two pot bellied pigs rutting in a muddy field. Best start working on the six-pack.
