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We ask you: what music should Trump play at his rallies?

SOUL legend Isaac Hayes is the latest of many killjoy artists stopping Donald Trump playing their music at his rallies. What music would be suitable? 

Helen Archer, pharmacist: “What about Madonna’s 1990 song Hanky Panky? That’s already total shit so he couldn’t ruin it.”

Emma Bradford, vet: “I’d go for the Imperial March from Star Wars. For his crowd, that’s subtle foreshadowing.”

Tom Booker, DJ: “Surprised he hasn’t brought out his own branded TrumpMusic yet, with his speeches cut up to a punishingly generic techno beat. It’d sell.”

Ryan Whittaker, barman: “He hasn’t noticed YMCA is gay, so why not Samwell’s 2007 viral hit What What (In The Butt)? His fans could all sing along.”

Ian Stuart Donaldson, late frontman of Nazi punk band Skrewdriver: “I would like to request that Mr Trump cease and desist from playing our music at his rallies. His political views do not align with ours.”

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TL;DR: the Conservatives, Grenfell report concludes

THE Grenfell Tower Inquiry final report has saved the nation from trawling through its tragic pages by ending with a summary blaming the Conservative government. 

Having considered all variables, from the highly flammable cladding to the response of the fire brigade, the report finishes with an easily digestible conclusion which places ultimate responsibility for the fire on the Tories in power at the time.

Spokesperson Martin Bishop said: “Hardly a surprise twist of an ending, I’m afraid. But the facts don’t lie.

“Yes, cladding of tower blocks began under Blair, but it was under Cameron regulation was slashed because health and safety culture had ‘gone mad’. It was the Tories who cut local authority budgets by 40 per cent.

“The nuanced web of blame involving multinationals, architects and builders is all there in black and white if you fancy having a read, but it’s grim stuff. Even compared to the high bar set by the Partygate and Post Office inquiries it’s punishingly bleak.

“The Tories cut regulations, stopped inspecting buildings, took profiteering building assurances as gospel, ignored residents and underfunded fire crews. There are a thousand incompetents but only one big, predictable bad here.

Bishop concluded: “TL;DR, the Conservatives.”

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