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We ask you: has Keir Starmer insulted Brexit by implying it has corners?

THE prime minister is in Berlin to ‘turn the corner’ on Brexit, but is his implication that Brexit is cuboid accurate or a vicious insult to patriots? 

Bill McKay, landscape gardener: “The Brexit I voted for wasn’t angular in any way. It was more of an infinitely malleable superheated plasma. Starmer should resign.”

James Bates, rabbi: “‘Turned a corner’ is negative. It suggests that Brexit wasn’t completely brilliant and didn’t give everyone everything they asked for, which is nonsense. I mean look around.”

Mary Fisher, lecturer: “Scientists say the universe is the shape of a hyperdimensional doughnut, called a 3-torus. I don’t think Brexit should be afforded any less respect.”

Joseph Turner, magistrate: “I’ve always imagined Brexit as some variety of spiky bastard that fatally wounds everyone it comes into contact with.”

Hannah Tomlinson, Depop reseller: “Sorry, I was still at school at the time. What’s Brexit?”

How to explain Oasis to your children

OASIS have returned, to the confusion of children who cannot understand why shouted tunes with nonsense lyrics have eclipsed Taylor Swift. Here’s how to explain: 

You see, love, the 90s were a very confusing time. Clubbing was very popular and there was pressure to listen to hip hop. We were scared.

And then along came these two brothers. One brother could write songs that sounded a bit like other songs you already liked, and the other one shouted charismatically.

They were like Madchester but with none of those edgy dance beats or women singing. They were into football and had no fancy ideas about androgyny. So we, as a nation, took them to our hearts.

Within months they were Britain’s favourite band, and when I say ‘Britain’ I mean the blokes. I’m not sure what women liked, maybe Gabrielle?

They were great because they drank loads, weren’t particularly attractive and wore anoraks, so every man could be a Gallagher if he could afford a Helly Hansen jacket.

I still remember queuing all night to buy Be Here Now. We were ‘mad for it, our kid’ as we said at the time. And what if it was rubbish? At least it was proper rubbish, not the bewildering jungle beats of Roni Size & Reprazent.

And now, just when we were expected to like pop music for gays, they’re back like King Arthur to sweep all that nonsense away. Even when they fight it’s comforting. So you see love, that’s why Daddy will be up early on Saturday morning swearing at his laptop.

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