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You will be long dead and the sun will explode but then things will get better, promises Starmer

THE prime minister has reassured the public that Britain will be back on track in around five billion years when the sun has become a red giant. 

Keir Starmer has acknowledged that his economic decisions will be unpopular in the short term, but that the country will be the better for them after several ice ages, the near-extinction of all life on earth and the stars in the sky have begun to go out.

He said: “14 years of Conservative rot have left me with no choice but to extend my plans for prosperity toward the heat-death of the universe. That’s the optimistic timescale.

“You won’t live to see the benefits of my tax rises and nor will your children or their children’s children. Humanity no longer be recognisable as a species by the time Britain reaps the rewards, and that’s assuming the country still exists as a land mass.

“But it will be worth the wait. If we hold our nerve for a few aeons our waterways will be sewage-free and the £22 billion financial black hole will be on the way to being filled in.

“Actual black holes, however, will be a pressing problem.”

Voter Martin Bishop said: “And what about immigrants?”

Angel, and other bits of London that sound nice but aren't

PERUSING an Underground map, you imagine London is filled with beautiful, charming enclaves. How wrong you are, for these quaint-sounding areas are actually shitholes: 

Angel

A stone’s throw from King’s Cross is the heavenly-sounding Angel: a busy junction where confused tourists and the long-term homeless mingle on their way to snooty Islington or the dodgy estates within snooty Islington. An unsettling mix of overpriced offices, dirty chain restaurants and prostitution hotels from which God and his seraphim seem altogether absent.

Shepherd’s Bush

Tempted by the rustic promise of Shepherd’s Bush? It’s a misnomer in two senses; first, no shepherd would guide his flock to a stretch of A-road bordered by dodgy mobile phone shops. Second, apart from a single triangle of glorified traffic island, nothing can grow beneath the malignant shadow of the behemoth that is Westfield Centre.

Little Portugal

Between the brutish Vauxhall and Brixton lies an area known by the cutesy name Little Portugal, for its Portuguese and Brazilian inhabitants. It is not Lisbon in miniature. It remains South London and you’ll be reminded of that emphatically as you’re mugged at knifepoint before you can say ‘artisan pastel de nata’.

Forest Gate

To the naive ear, it sounds like a rolling avenue bordered by lime trees leading to gorgeous woodland. To which the wise mouth says ‘In this f**king city?’ Instead, it’s classic East London dog-rough with extra rough added like chilli sauce on a kebab. Do pay it a visit if you’ve got something to fly-tip.

Archway

Archways are usually associated with magnificent feats of architecture, like Rome’s Colosseum or Fountains Abbey. This Archway, however, is stunning only in the sense that you’re momentarily knocked back by the horror, the denizens, and the price of a flat even though it has no discernible redeeming qualities. Remarkable.

Old Oak Common

Ah, now here’s a typical English village with dancing around the maypole and a pub operating since Tudor times. No? No, in fact it’s a semi-industrial area, much of it disused, with its only open space overlooked by Wormwood Scrubs prison? And this is where HS2 is terminating? Christ, why is there even London?

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