DONALD Trump, enraged by the the fact of a woman, is to make a series of claims about her that are progressively more detached from reality. Look out for these:
‘She’s Venezuelan’
Struggling with Harris’s biracial ability, which he thinks of as a mutant power akin to the X-Men, Trump hits on a brilliant solution: she is neither black nor Indian but a socialist Venezuelan hell-bent on opening the borders to all her countrymen. His supporters, inflamed by the V-word, cheer wildly so he sticks with it.
‘She drove Biden demented’
Still smarting at the unfairness of a new opponent, Trump’s unhinged mind hits on the perfect solution: she did it. She destroyed Biden’s mind with dementia drugs so she could steal the presidency and she’s on stage laughing about it, with her crazy witch’s laugh. Rallies lap it up. Polls drop by three points.
‘She transforms into a cat’
Childless cat ladies are evil because they’re not wonderful Republican wives raising six children while baking pies. That’s a given. Kamala is a cat lady. Therefore she must be able to transmogrify into a cat and walk the States, purring poison into ears, stealing Trump votes. ‘And you know, she’s a hot cat,’ he announces on live television to silence.
‘Her crowds are skeletons, summoned from the earth’
Footage of Harris speaking to large crowds are puzzling because she cannot attract large crowds, because she isn’t Trump. The inspired answer comes mid-debate: she raises her hands, screams into the sky, and a horde of skeletons rises from the bare earth to applaud her with bone hands. ‘She’ll win Pennsylvania with illegal skeleton votes,’ he adds.
‘She’s possessed Melania’
How is it Kamala and Melania look so similar? It can’t just be that they’re both women. No, Kamala has possessed Melania with her sorcery, turning her against Trump, making her laugh at Trump! She is a betrayer of Trump! He announces she will be exorcised by celebrity pastor Greg Locke at a rally in Tennessee. In the event she does not attend.
‘We’re in the wrong multiverse. We’re in the evil multiverse’
Plummeting poll ratings and a late-night viewing of a Doctor Strange film convinces Trump of the truth: Kamala stole the 2020 election from him. She shifted reality, flipped America into an evil universe where his landslide victory never happened, and only he can see the country is in flames. ‘She’s in my head!’ he screams, narrowly losing the election.
