Queen did not appreciate being asked to smell Trump's fingers

THE Queen felt being asked to smell Donald Trump’s fingers on his official visit to the UK was a breach of etiquette, a biographer has claimed. 

A new book about Elizabeth II reports that during Trump’s 2018 visit he repeatedly invited her to ‘sniff them’, going so far as to lift his hand to her face for a prolonged period.

The book continues: “It appears that President Trump, due to a misunderstanding caused by his own stupidity, had convinced himself all Britons thought Americans were ‘dirty’.

“Working himself into a characteristic mania, he then began to rail against England for its belief that its transatlantic cousins did not know how to wipe their bottoms. By the time his plane touched down it was all he could talk about.

“Consequently, the bulk of his summit with Theresa May was taken up with an extensive discussion of his post-excremental ablution technique, with mimed demonstrations, and the providing of visual proof there is indeed a flushing toilet on Air Force One.

“This was not enough to dislodge the notion. When he met the Queen the following day, he asked her to smell his fingers. She declined and yet he still forced the issue.”

It adds: “They smelled, of course, of shit.”

Naive fool expects full-time job to provide liveable income

A SWEET, delusional man expects his 40-hour a week job to cover not only rent but utility bills and food, he has admitted. 

Simpleton Oliver O’Connor is under the misguided impression that a nine-to-five job five days a week entitles him to enough income to not only pay his living expenses but to leave enough spare for the occasional dental emergency.

The city-dwelling village idiot said: “Otherwise what’s the point? Wouldn’t it be a sign of capitalism finally admitting its own failure if I couldn’t?

“By the time I’ve commuted to my bollocks job and back, I’m left with two hours of leisure time with which to enjoy the fruits of my labour, by which I mean watching TV. What, am I supposed to squeeze a lucrative side hustle in there?

“It took years of higher education to get my job, which I’m still in debt for, so I feel it should actually pay for some stuff. I’m not asking for much. Just to be warm while falling asleep in a chair, like my parents used to.”

Boss Helen Archer said: “Oliver’s clearly taken one too many dings to the noggin if he’s expecting to be able to buy from Asda’s Extra Special range on a graduate’s salary.

“The poor, cretinous numpty. What will he want next? A deposit for a house? Functioning public services? To be able to fish a large, round cheese from a pond?”