ALL your WhatsApp groups sharing irritating aspirational resolutions? Here’s how to transform their commitment to bettering themselves into your moment to shine: 

“Nobody needs to lose weight” 

Weight loss and health fascism are patriarchal control, you helpfully point out to those with new gym memberships and slimming milkshake subscriptions. Most weight lost is quickly regained and gyms know you’ll quit. You personally have never struggled staying slim because of a fast metabolism, and naturally enjoying marathons.

“I don’t drink much anyway”

Friend doing Dry January, or the whole year? Beginning to explain to you why? That’s your moment to leap in and explain your own personal relationship to alcohol and how untroubled it has been. Praise it as a social lubricant for those who can enjoy it in moderation. Add: ‘If anything, I might try to drink a bit more this year.’

“You’ll never speak it well unless you live there”

Your friends are bitches of the DuoLingo owl just so they can show off in restaurants. Advances in AI language translation software and the continuing dominance of English render this useless, point out, and add that it was only living in Madrid for three years that enabled you to speak Spanish like a native. Have they tried that?

“The best way to stop smoking is never start” 

Your mate’s finally trying to kick her deadly habit. Good. She’s in exactly the right place for your stern monologue about what a fool she was to even smoke one cigarette, which you never have so have lungs as pink and innocent as Peppa Pig’s arse. Note: for the purposes of this lesson, vaping is identical to smoking.

“Those who don’t doomscroll don’t care” 

You are, every minute, from waking up to laying your head on the pillow at night, alert to the suffering of the world. You can’t ignore it. You’re not that heartless, unlike friends who are giving up on helping others by having phone-free evenings. Redouble posting to those people specifically. They need you and your 1,000 notifications.

“I personally have resolved to be more mindful about wellness” 

And now they’ll want to ruin yours for you, but they can’t because it’s meaningless bullshit. Hah.