Health

MAINTAINING a distance of two metres from other people applies to everyone except joggers, joggers have agreed.

FEELING cooped up but still can’t be bothered to work out? Here’s how to exercise in a half-arsed way from your own home.

THE UK is now referring to the coronavirus as the 'f**king-corona-f**king-virus', or will also accept 'COVID-bastard-19'.

BUGGER. This is terribly bad news for both me and the country, but mainly me. Here’s how I intend to send the coronavirus packing.

STRUGGLING with older relatives who refuse to stay at home? Here’s how to make sure they’ll never leave the front door again.

BRITAIN’S gammons have called for a referendum to tell the coronavirus to get lost like we did with the EU.

LOOKING to get an iconic photo of yourself posing in front of an empty city? Stop and do not do that, you ignorant prick. Resist the temptation to do these things too. 

I’M PROFESSOR Chris Whitty, the Chief Medical Office of the UK, and we are discovering that more and more Britons are terminally selfish bastards.

UNUSED supermarket aisles that once, long ago, contained toilet paper could be repurposed as pop-up intensive care units.

THE CHILDREN of a 65-year-old woman are celebrating her years of selfless love by not going to see her this Mother’s Day.