NO one understand period pain like a boyfriend, so I’m here to share my foolproof methods for curing this whole pesky menstruation thing. By Josh Gardner.
Ibuprofen
First I reassure Lucy by demonstrating there are no lengths I won’t go to to help. I pop to the shops and pick up some painkillers, own brand, not Advil, I’m not made of money. If I really want to push the boat out, I get paracetamol too (also own-brand). But ultimately, ibuprofen fixes the little headache I get from watching too much Netflix, so it must get rid of period cramps too.
Tummy rub
I’ve seen enough TikToks of dogs getting tickled to know how to calm a distressed animal. If she says ‘What are you doing? That’s my stomach, not my uterus’, I gently respond ‘Shhh’. Sometimes I go as high as the shoulders and neck. My thinking is that if I touch enough pressure points, I’ll eventually find the acupuncture spot which turns off womb pain.
Chocolate
She sometimes says she wants expensive cocoa-heavy chocolate because too much sugar makes her even more bloated, but I usually manage to talk her into Cadbury Marvellous Creations. At the end of the day, chocolate is chocolate and the popping candy bits make my mouth feel fun and tickly.
A movie
You might think I should let her choose the film. Wrong. I’ve spent £3.10 on chocolate and drugs so she owes me. Something like Carrie is a good choice for menstruating women – it makes her feel ‘seen’ and reminds her other people have a much worse time of it. If she’s too exhausted to watch it to the end, I do the chivalrous thing and tuck her up in bed before finishing Stephen King’s masterpiece alone with a few lagers.
Sex
It’s a good painkiller. It certainly helped numb the pain I felt after my grandma’s funeral. And if she’s feeling too bunged up, there’s plenty of other stuff to do. Petting, blowjobs, and on the internet I recently saw something called a ‘Pennsylvanian rummage’. It all releases endorphins, and endorphins make the pain go away, right?
Spot cream
Zits can be an unfortunate side-effect of women’s hormones, especially for men. If Lucy’s looking particularly hideous I generously buy her some Clearasil and call her ‘Pizza Face’, which is hilarious and cheers her up no end.
Breakfast in bed
If Lucy’s still feeling rough the next morning, I treat her to my culinary expertise. I have to be careful choosing the menu, though. Eggs might remind her of ovules, and black pudding is obviously inappropriate. I tend to play it safe – chuck some Cheerios in a bowl and call it a day. It’s all about putting her needs first.
