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Organised crime reveals it is behind new food trends

CRIME organisations including the Mafia, Yakuza and the Triads have confirmed they are in total control of new trends in gastronomy. 

The groups decided to expand their operations from drug sales and agreed controlling sales of modish foodstuffs like padron peppers, peanut butter smoothies and Kombucha from derelict warehouses in east London would offer a new income stream.

Mob boss and culinary influencer Wayne Hayes said: “The Mafia loves to cook. You’ve seen Goodfellas? Exactly.

“So between overseeing cocaine imports and executing rivals, we’ve got into the business of promoting then supplying niche products to selected pop-ups until demand builds. And I honestly believe hawaij-infused coffee could be the next fentanyl.

“We got the idea from the Russians dealing caviar. I’m a foodie at heart and this combines my love for lethal violence, ill-gotten gains and high-quality, seasonal produce. It’s just a joy when your passion becomes your profession.”

Henchman Oliver O’Connor said: “We use the same tactics, turning up in gastropubs with guns saying: ‘Nice bit of sustainably-produced squid ink you’ve got there, it’d be a shame to see something happen to it’.

“And why does nobody have the courage to admit that burrata is no different from supermarket mozzarella? Because we shoot them in the head and throw them in the river.”

Andrew Tate bullied for playing with dolls: attention-seeking knobs and the traumas that made them that way

WE live in an era of delusional, attention-seeking knobheads working out their unresolved traumas on us. These are the incidents they cannot get past: 

Andrew Tate: played with a doll

Young Andrew’s favourite pastime was dressing his favourite dolly, Amelia. Sadly, the resultant bullying he received from older girls deeply scarred him and now he’s overcompensating with toxic masculinity and setting up the patriotic ‘Bruv’ party, a tragic online social club for incels, racists and martial arts fantasists. Amelia languishes still in an attic.

Nigel Farage: accused of shagging a frog

A fellow pupil at exclusive Dulwich College claimed to have seen Farage violating a frog on school grounds. Soon Nigel – or ‘the Frog Buggerer’ as he was now known by pupils and staff – was a social pariah, resulting in a warped love/hate relationship with the British establishment expressed via tweeds-and-Barbours outfits and Nazi sympathising.

Tommy Robinson: had a crush on a boy in the school orchestra

Talented young musician Stephen Yaxley-Lennon had a crush on another boy in the school orchestra. When exposed, the mockery caused Stephen to seek refuge in a performatively heterosexual, working-class persona, embroiling himself in football hooliganism and racism. The nation lost a talented clarinettist that day.

Kemi Badenoch: never picked for netball

Badenoch’s compulsive attraction to attention-grabbing idiocy can be traced back to her netball years. Never picked because ‘she couldn’t catch the ball, throw the ball, understand the rules or find the netball court’ according to a contemporary, she has railed against injustice ever since. Specifically injustice to her.

Joe Rogan: told he was dumb as a rock

In 1979 a teacher told Joe that he was ‘irredeemably stupid’. Joe vowed to prove him wrong by ‘learning everything’. Sadly, having never picked up the distinction between true and false, Joe instead developed a vast knowledge of bollocks conspiracy theories and poorly-evidenced UFO sightings. His teacher was right. He should have devoted his life to something worthwhile like carrying boxes.

Elon Musk: lost his Cybersledge

As a child Musk spent many happy winters with his Cybersledge, an ordinary sledge he claimed had a robot brain and anti-gravity motors. Lost during a house move, since then Musk has tried to recapture his lost happiness by creating crap technology he can pretend is far better than it actually is. The world has gamely played along.

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