Five reasons why 'Eat out to help out' is bollocks

THE government’s half-price meal scheme begins today, but is it bollocks? Here’s why you may not be rushing to take up Rishi Sunak’s incredibly generous offer.

It may kill you

Not from Covid-19, but a diet of McDonald’s breakfasts, Nando’s chicken and dubious pub grub. Morons love anything ‘free’, so in a few weeks there are bound to be dolts wondering why they’ve got dangerously high cholesterol after subjecting themselves to a less lucrative version of Super Size Me.

Saving 10 quid isn’t worth getting a deadly virus for

As cost/benefit analyses go, a free toastie in Costa doesn’t justify ending up on a ventilator. Having said that, many people are incredibly tight, so hospitals may soon be full of patients gasping, “It’s okay, doc, I got a Harvester carvery meal for two quid.”

It’s probably not saving you money

By definition, the scheme encourages you to eat out when you weren’t planning to, so you’re out of pocket already. Now imagine you and your partner or mates are tucking into tasty pub grub in a pleasant beer garden. What drink will you choose? A nice glass of water, perhaps? F**k off. You’ll be having at least £15 of booze with that.

The innuendo

Whichever policy wonk thought of the ‘Eat out to help out’ slogan was either a bit naive or having a laugh at the public’s expense, so maybe it was Dominic Cummings. Now it’s impossible to eat your food without off-putting thoughts of getting pubic hairs in your mouth.

Wankers love it

Social media is already full of idiots enthusing about getting a (mostly) free lunch, plus Tory voters praising Rishi Sunak to the heavens. Just paying the full price of your meal would be preferable to seeing smug bellends crowing that they’ve ‘bloody nicked a full English from Spoons’.

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Female physicist trying to pinpoint exact times of prosecco and gin o’clock

A RENOWNED female scientist has made it her life’s work to establish the precise timings of ‘Prosecco o’clock’ and ‘Gin o’clock’.

Dr Helen Archer, who holds degrees from Oxford, Cambridge and MIT, has spent the past 10 years researching the mysterious early-drinking phenomenon.

She said: “We know roughly when the universe began and when the Earth was formed, but this crucial pair of times, which affect the lives of millions of drinkers every day, continue to baffle scientists.

“My research team and I work round the clock. We stagger our drinking throughout the day, then use special lab equipment to measure the precise cheekiness of each tipple.”

Dr Archer is determined to find the answer, despite resistance from male colleagues who believe funding should be focused on determining the time of ‘Beer o’clock’.

Most recently her research addressed the issue of the millions of fridge magnets and coasters produced every year which unambiguously state that it is ‘always gin o’clock’.

She added: “That’s rubbish, of course. Who’s having a pink G&T at four in the morning? And don’t tell me ‘it’s five o’clock somewhere’. My team and I debunked that years ago.”

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