THE number of young people going to university could soon be the same as the number of young people who should be going to university, the government has confirmed.

Fewer students than ever are heading off for their first term, as school-leavers realise the obvious truth that three years studying history will not help in any area of their lives.

Education secretary Brigitte Phillipson said: “Bloody fees, but they do seem to have hastened the realisation than university is quite a big thing to do so you should probably mean it.

“A degree in a beautiful university town as the state’s treat was always a middle-class jolly. When it was degraded to studying surfing science at the University of Rutland it became a sick parody.”

Graduate Ryan Whittaker of Abergavenny said: “It does seem, looking back, I paid a large sum of money to drink and quote Succession memes for three years.

“I am not remotely interested in any of the things that are taught at university and neither are employers. I paid 27 grand for a bonged-up nonce with a doctorate to teach me how to watch television.”

Phillipson added: “If this trend continues, we may see the number of universities drop to below a million.”