FORECASTERS believe there is a greater than 50 per cent chance of a white Christmas this year, but do you even give a shit?
Margaret Gerving, retired headteacher: “Wouldn’t it be lovely? Two feet of crisp, white snow. Lorries jack-knifed on motorway sliproads. Swearing fathers scraping ice from windscreens using Celebrations lids. The sound of a school roof collapsing far, far away.”
Steve Malley, greyhound trainer: “If all it takes is one snowflake falling anywhere in the UK, I’ll push my nephew Kayden over. He’s such a snowflake he cries when a contestant’s kicked off Drag Race.”
Eleanor Shaw, IT consultant: “Why would anyone give a shit about snow on Christmas Day? Who’s leaving the house, apart from smokers?”
Roy Hobbs, professional spoon player: “When I was young, every Christmas was white but now they never are, because of immigration stroke global warming. Please choose the option you find most enraging.”
Hannah Tomlinson, beautician: “Snow? At Christmas? But what of the traditional seasonal drizzle?”
