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My day of constantly being accompanied by a nude woman, like Kanye West

RAPPER and designer Kanye West turned heads at the Grammys by being, as usual, accompanied by a nude woman. But how would that go down here in Halifax? 

I begin my day, dressed all in black and with a statuesque naked girl close at hand, with a visit to the bank. Joining the queue behind the pensioners, we are noticed in mere moments. But, outrageously, staff insist on addressing my paramour directly.

‘She’s with me,’ I explain, ‘as a daring accessory to my transgressive fashion sense.’ And, gratifyingly, we are both asked to leave just as if we were attending the annual awards of the Recording Academy. So far, so Yeezy.

Our next stop? The vet, where I enquire about having a dog with distemper put to sleep. But we’re barely through the door before the receptionist, a slovenly woman clearly ignorant of high fashion, rushes over to cover my companion’s nakedness with a coat.

‘No,’ I clarify, ‘this is deliberate. She’s actually wearing an entirely transparent dress, you bourgeois boor.’ Nonetheless they refuse to serve us and we are forced to leave.

We then call in at Wetherspoons, but disappointingly my gorgeous partner’s state of undress raises no eyebrows among the daytime drinkers, their minds focused on more immediate concerns.

Our final call is the town hall to dispute a fine for fly-tipping from Calderdale council. And happily we cause a stir, with security called over and many photos taken. Finally appreciation of daring boundary-crossing fashion, though the cries of ‘nice tits’ were to my mind indecorous.

So how was my day of being accompanied by a nude woman? Well, despite initial difficulties, a great success. I turned heads, outraged sensibilities and that’s what fashion is all about.

For her? I don’t know, I haven’t asked.

Are Gen Z shiftless, idle bastards throwing away Britain's future or just in their 20s? An investigation

ARE today’s young people uniquely indolent and incapable of hard work, or just at the exact age when everyone is like that? Helen Archer looks into this urgent question: 

They do seem somewhat unreliable

Studying the shift patterns at a Woking coffee shop, we found that 68 per cent of Gen Z employees had at some point skipped work because they were too hungover to froth milk. This situates them as worryingly irresponsible to an unprecedented degree. A similar study in 1994 which showed similar absence rates is irrelevant, because Kurt Cobain’s death mattered.

In conversation they are oversensitive

When asked about topics like inequality, racism, sexism and transphobia, those in their 20s were more likely to become emotional or enraged. This oversensitivity may contribute to their not trying as hard to bring customers the right size of trainers. Meanwhile their elders were unbothered about such topics or able to actively joke about them.

There is a reluctance to fight in wars

Of more than 40 Gen Z workers questioned, only one was willing to lay down his life for his country and even then used the word ‘bruv’. Compare this to the Gulf War, the Falklands or World War Two when men rushed to join the frontlines, with the draft acting only as a welcome reminder, and we can conclude today’s young are unpatriotic cowards.

They consistently refuse unpaid overtime

Paid overtime has been, thankfully, consigned to history but the youth of today refuses to accept this. Instead of gratefully accepting the opportunity of an extra couple of hours of valuable experience, they reject it in favour of more time on phones swiping through dating apps. Is it any wonder this country is in the grip of a productivity crisis?

Are always complaining about student debt

Whether they snubbed university for not being woke enough, using fees as an excuse, or got degrees then carped about being unable to clear debts while on wages that are exactly the same as they were 20 years ago, the new generation seems unable to get over the minor issue of student debt. While previous generations are fine with it.

So it seems they are, in their language, ‘the worst’ 

Whether pierced septums, ironic Greggs socks, or TikTok, the unavoidable conclusion is that Gen Z are far worse than any preceding generation. And, according to all those deemed capable of sensible judgement, that trend looks to continue downwards with Gen Alpha.

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