YOU may think schoolyard bullies have little to do with tariffs. But when Tommo Smith confronted me on my first day at ‘big school’, I learned a lesson which has stayed with me.
Tommo wasted no time in demanding I give him my dinner money. Even aged 11, I knew that unless you stand up to a bully they will keep doing it. And failing to resist would be a huge blow to your self-respect.
So I complied instantly. ‘Please don’t hurt me, Tommo,’ I sobbed. ‘I’ll be here at the same time tomorrow to give you your money, and for the rest of term. May I lick your trainers, O lord?’
He graciously allowed me to get down on all fours and tongue his grimy Hi-Tecs as other pupils watched and laughed. Then he kicked me in the face. As I washed the blood off in the toilets I felt I had successfully navigated the situation in a grown-up, centrist way, forming a partnership of bully and victim.
And as I had correctly predicted, the bullying got worse. Beatings, my briefcase thrown onto to the roof of the PE block, and I am proud to say I was the first pupil at my school from a working-class background to voluntarily give himself a ‘bogwash’.
Tommo was, in fact, much smaller than me, so any attempt to fight back would likely have been successful. But then, as now, I felt a strong conviction that someone should stand up for the cowardly, the spineless and the unprincipled in society.
It is an attitude that has informed my leadership of the Labour Party and the country. And as we face a pointless trade war instigated by President Trump, rest assured I will be showing the same conciliatory spirit I had in my youth.
You are probably wondering what happened to him. Well, Tommo became a Conservative MP and we are now firm friends.
Victoria and I are having him over for dinner on Friday, when he will undoubtedly stamp on my testicles for old times’ sake. I’m looking forward to it.
