JESUS Christ had a larger-than-average penis and insisted on shoehorning this fact into conversation, research into the Turin Shroud has proved.
Specialists brought in by the Vatican found the Lamb of God’s penis was seven-and-a-quarter inches long with a corresponding girth, which they believe explains why he was so keen on stripping off for baptisms.
Father Oliver O’Connor explained: “Most analysis of the shroud focuses on the face and stigmata, but enhanced radiocarbon imaging of the groin area shows the Messiah was packing some serious heat.
“As such he undoubtedly employed lame conversational gambits to broach the subject of his man meat, such as ‘It’s so difficult finding robes that are a loose fit in the crotch, isn’t it?’ The disciples were just too sick of his boasting to put it in the Gospels.
“He also engineered situations where he could show it off, which is why he was always waist-deep in the Sea of Galilee. ‘Hey, who’s up for skinny-dipping?’ he’d shout. Pathetic really.”
Pope Francis said: “Nothing in scripture categorically states Jesus was not slinging a major lizard, so by our odd standards that proves the Shroud of Turin is authentic.
“Whether it ever got him laid is unclear. The only woman who features prominently in his adult life is Mary Magdalene, a known prostitute, so it looks like no ordinary woman was prepared to go near the beast.”
