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'Lack of vibes' considered genuine excuse to end date by both parties

INTERNET language designed to help fearful Gen Zers to avoid voicing opinions is now considered valid for ending romantic relationships. 

A pair of young people who decided not to go on a second date dodged any awkward truths about their lack of attraction by simply saying their energies did not match, a completely empty reason accepted by both parties.

Charlotte Phelps, aged 21, said: “Like, if someone says your indigo aura won’t be able to handle my red one, everyone just gets that. We’d be clashing on a purely spiritual level from day one and that can’t be worked through.

“When he admitted his birthday’s December and I’m obviously a Virgo, we both laughed at how outrageously off the vibe was. So it was nothing to do with him being fat and shiny.

“He performed the ultimate ick of ordering an alcoholic beer, so I just said it was a Sunday and wasn’t feeling it. He understood completely once I sent the Chappell Roan meme.”

Jordan Gardner, also 21, agreed: “It’s kush. I’m about kicking back, her thing’s more about being into normcore. I have to respect not everyone gets my edgy humour or polyamorous leanings. You can’t gel like that on every level sometimes, it’s just vibes.

“The main thing is we spoke our truth. Even though I was lying when I said I was happy to call it early and not wank myself to sleep.”

Southend, Grimsby and other areas that simply cannot be gentrified

GENTRIFICATION can seem, at times, inevitable and inescapable. An area is happily shit until Negroni-sipping twats in Foxtons minis turn up. But it will never happen here: 

Southend-on-Sea

Southend has resisted the twee, whimsical fate of other south coast towns by all its residents being ready to glass you in the face for nothing. Brave hipsters have tried in vain to raise rents by opening a craft beer specialist called Craftwerk, a reference which none have understood or noticed is spelled incorrectly. Reading a book in public doubles as assisted dying.

Grimsby

The name alone scares off budding artisanal bakers, and the locals only eat fish ’n’ chips as their patriotic Brexiter duty. Besides, it’s difficult to take cool seaside shots for Instagram when a seagull swoops down for your iPhone. This is a town even the Vikings described as ‘five terrible weeks wading through the mire’.

Middlesbrough

Combines the chemical pollution of China with the inhospitable weather of Siberia. The residents call themselves ‘Smoggies’ as a charming tribute to their toxic air. Trades off its connection with the locally-born Captain Cook, whose life was spent trying to get as far away from here as possible no matter what the conditions or who he had to kill.

Stoke-on-Trent

Proudly and passionately shite, gentrifiers wouldn’t know which of the Six Towns to start in but would be started on by locals wherever they tried. This black hole of economic failure would swallow your microbrewery without even the courtesy of a burp then shit on your shoes. Even Jonathan Gullis didn’t hang around after losing his seat, and he is the worst of twats.

Clacton-on-Sea

The risk of Nigel Farage in the vicinity – although, let’s be honest, not high – is enough to stop anyone who has ever acted out of kindness moving in. And there’s the philosophical question of whether house prices actually can rise in Clacton, given most accommodation is caravan-based so people can relocate upon spotting the first smoothie bar.

Luton

In 2022, the Herts Advertiser published an April Fool story claiming Luton Borough Council were acting to stop gentrification to preserve the town’s salt-of-the-earth character. It could never happen. This is a town most famous for what is acknowledged as Britain’s shittest airport. No self-respecting avocado toast smasher would be associated with that.

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