THE Princess of Wales has produced a wonderful fabric conditioner advertisement to reassure everyone she is well. Royals of the past should have done the same:
‘As summer comes to an end, I and my forces are invading’
KING CNUT, sitting by the shore, shot using cinefilm Instagram filter: ‘Hi. I’m Cnut, and I’ll be invading your country this winter.’
Throwing stones into ocean: ‘We’ve had to find a way to navigate the stormy waters and land in Wessex, and I hope not to be brought face-to-face with my own vulnerabilities and to unite your nation under the Norwegian crown. Except London, which I don’t want.
In soft-focus slow-motion: ’Out of darkness can come light. That light will be a burning brand held in the hand of a Viking warrior as he sacks and burns your villlage. Thank you.’
‘Anne Boleyn and I have jointly decided to end our journey’
HENRY VIII, strolling through woodland: ‘I was a man in his 30s, alone, previous marriage tragically annulled, when Anne walked into my life and rekindled my hope for the future.’
Standing commandingly in doorway of hunting lodge: ‘I will always remember that winter of 1532, when we became king and consort. But nothing lasts forever.’
Shift to high-contrast black-and-white: ‘My focus has to be on producing a male heir, and sadly Anne’s womb has failed me. So we have regretfully decided she will be beheaded on Tower Green and I shall marry Jane Seymour instead.’
‘Marrying a divorcee and supporting the Nazis is what my heart wants’
EDWARD VIII, in gardens of Kensington Palace: ‘Being king is a heavy burden. It places constraints on one’s sexual life and one’s support of Germany’s thrilling new Nazi movement.’
Walking through archways in dappled sunlight: ‘As a king, I have attempted to compromise. Like my forebears before me, I have charted a course for the nation where I marry any racy divorcee I choose and we give our full backing to Mr Adolf Hitler.’
Lying in cornfield with Wallis Simpson: ‘But parliament, which was a bad idea from its inception, has refused. It is with sadness that I abdicate to marry, and with sadness we face senseless war against Germany, which I love more than Britain.’
