HOW did Miranda Hart – a woman who looks nothing like Margot Robbie or Kate Middleton – manage to snare a man? Was foul play involved? The Mail attempts to unravel the mystery.
Her ‘husband’ does not exist
This, sadly, is the most likely explanation. Due to having a career, Miranda has been left on the shelf and driven mad by loneliness. She’s probably made a grotesque life-sized dummy from clothes stuffed with newspapers and a bucket for a head, which she talks to using her acting skills to do both voices. We’d feel sorry for her but women have been warned this is where feminism gets you.
Mind control
We at the Mail have repeatedly told our readers that mind-control chips are real, so Miranda may have kidnapped a man and put one in his brain. Robbed of his free will, he is now forced to robotically act out the role of her husband, including unnatural things like binge-watching Emily in Paris.
She used a fake picture on Tinder
Miranda will have used a photo of a normal woman like Sydney Sweeney, then worn a balaclava whenever she met her future husband in person. By now he’ll be getting suspicious about her always claiming her face is cold, and it is only a matter of time before the deception is exposed. We can only hope Ms Hart is given a hefty prison sentence to deter other spinsters.
Her husband is a gold digger
We feel it is our moral duty to warn Miranda that she may have married a gold digger who is only interested in the billions she has earned from Miranda box sets and occasional appearances on HIGNFY. Check your joint account regularly and don’t sign any life insurance policies, Miranda. (Obviously hot young women marrying rich older men is genuine attraction because evolution has made them want to mate with the ‘king of the tribe’.)
She lied about her age
Miranda will definitely have lied about how old she is, probably claiming to be an acceptable female age such as 32, but this is just storing up problems for the future. What happens when her husband in his middle-aged male prime wants to go out and live life to the full, but she’s a wizened old crone of 55, incontinent and confined to a mobility scooter?
Her sense of humour has conquered all
A good sense of humour is frequently cited as being attractive, and maybe as a professional comedian Miranda is so funny in real life – as opposed to in Miranda – that it compensates for her advanced years. Many men would question whether a sense of humour gets you anywhere except the Friend Zone, but maybe it’s different with women.
Blackmail
We hate to be negative about this joyous time in Miranda’s life, but blackmail is a strong possibility. Perhaps her husband has bodies stashed in secret locations, and the price of Miranda’s silence is marriage? Macabre, yes, but there is simply no other explanation for a woman in her 50s being attractive to men. Apart from Heidi Klum, who we’re obsessed with. She’s the exception who proves the rule, plus her teenage daughter is hot.
