HURRICANE Milton has made landfall in America, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake. Here’s why Britain would be totally ruined by similar weather.
It can’t handle snow
A light dusting of snow sees Britain grind to a terrified halt, so a category five hurricane would be armageddon. Garden sheds would be smashed to splinters, our poorly-maintained schools would crumble like sandcastles and Greggs would run out of cheap sausagemeat. Even pillars of our civilisation we’d once considered indestructible like WHSmith would be reduced to pitiful piles of rubble and reduced D-list celebrity biographies.
There would be nowhere to evacuate to
Florida isn’t much smaller than Britain, yet the whole state is shitting itself about Hurricane Milton. If a similar storm swept over these sceptered isles then everyone would have to scuttle off to mainland Europe for safety. This would be okay if you’ve got a second home in Provence, but most people would have to crash where the Calais Jungle was and be oblivious to the irony.
The government would move too slowly
If the pandemic taught the people of Britain anything, it’s that the government isn’t great with crises. Starmer would drone on about ‘fully costed’ measures while the hurricane was literally wiping out Kent, before telling everyone to hide in their wardrobes. If the Tories were in charge they’d be giving billions to bra manufacturers to build cardboard storm bunkers. Key workers would of course be expected to walk through 160mph winds to their jobs as normal though.
Contrarian grifters would trick people
A hurricane would inevitably become a political football, with the likes of GB News and Laurence Fox swooping in to sow division. Within days idiots and newspapers would be saying that staying inside to remain safe was woke cowardice, while true patriots would form a protective human shield around the Churchill statue and the Cenotaph before mysteriously disappearing. Twitter would claim rescue dinghies were full of immigrants, which no one would verify before puncturing them.
Stray trampolines would injure thousands
Even when there’s a comparatively mild storm, trampoline owners and people with garden furniture cannot be bothered to tie them down or bring them inside. In the event of a hurricane Britain would become a death vortex of swirling outdoor equipment as trampolines bounced from one hapless victim to the next. Will people learn come the next storm? Will they f**k.
